I did my own car with Cquartz UK, and I applied a topper spray ceramic that you do every 6 months. Should last me a good long while, and it was only $300 with all the cleaning products, clay bar, etc as well. Saved me a lot compared to the ~1500-2000 they charge near me without the multistep paint correction...
I think I get your tongue in cheek reference here. Yes I got the Toyoguard Protection Plan I didn't want because it was on the only car I could get locally here in SC (at least without waiting months), and no I didn't have to pay for the VIN etching dealer add-on rip-off. KH
Hybrid Ceramic from TurtleWax looks great and lasts quite a long time. It's one of the longest lasting treatments in independent tests. http://www.turtlewax.com/products/hybrid-solutions-ceramic-wax-spray-coating-16-fl-oz Spray on a small section, allow it to dry to a haze, buff until the haziness is gone. Multiple sections can be worked on at one time. Takes 20-30 minutes. Find a shady spot, direct sunlight can make it dry too quickly. Wash the car thoroughly before applying. If the surface of the car feels uneven to the touch due to grit or pollen, a clay bar may be necessary. Mother's and Meguiars offer inexpensive clay kits. Spray the included lubricant (probably soap and water) run the clay over the car until the surface is completely smooth, turning and folding the clay into itself frequently. My only issue is the rear window. It's difficult to keep morning dew running off the roof from creating sharp lines. Multiple coats of RainX have made it quite a bit better, but a rear wiper would have been nice.
If you want to do it old school, just stick to a standard procedure of wash, clay bar, wash, All-in-One polish, sealant, then wax. It takes awhile, but the results are very reliable and useful for at least 6 months. I usually go a year because my cars are parked in an enclosed garage. Also, it's not going to cost you some crazy amount like $300 per application by a detailer. My personal (yearly or twice a year) routine: 1) Wash (two bucket technique, dirt guards in each bucket to keep the water as clean as possible). Using Meguiar's Gold Class car wash or any decent brand name. 5 gallon buckets from Home Depot work great. Microfiber wash mitt from Chemical Guys. You DO NOT need to dry the car off until step 3. 2) Clay bar the entire car - if you drop the clay bar on ground THROW IT AWAY or you can permanently mess up your paint job. Mother's clay bar kit has two clay bars plus detailing spray that you use as lubricant. I usually get it at Walmart. 3) Wash again, but it doesn't need to be as thorough as step 1 as you are just removing the detail spray that you used as a lubricant for the clay bar. If possible, pick up a car dryer "blower" that you can use to push the water off of the car and also to get water out of areas like door handles and emblems (like the "Plug in Hybrid" badge). This will remove as much water as possible before you start using your drying cloths. For drying, I like the Chemical Guys' Wooly Mammoth microfiber drying towel. Been using it for 8 years. Forget about using chamois cloths for drying. They are kinda useless imo. 4) Apply a base polish like Klasse All-in-One polish. 5) Apply a sealant like Klasse High Gloss sealant. You could theoretically stop at this step and get great protection, but it won't bead as well if you use wax. 6) If you want to apply wax, you need to cover the car and wait at least 12 hours before applying wax (this allows the Klasse High Gloss sealant to set). I personally use Collinite 845 insulator wax. This is kind of old school but results in great water beading and lasts quite awhile. You can also apply the Collinite 845 to your side and rear windows as it lasts awhile. Not sure if I would apply it to the front windshield but that's up to you. SOME TIPS: Get some of those reusable wax applicators from Chemical Guys or other detailing shops. Use a microfiber cloth to remove the wax or sealant. Apply VERY SMALL AMOUNTS of polish, sealant and wax! If you put too much you'll spend a disproportionately longer time removing it just to end up with the same result as initially applying a smaller amount. Usually a dime size dollop on your applicator will be enough for a quarter panel or door. Adding too much polish, wax or sealant wastes material and wastes your time. Use a detailing spray like McKee's or Meguiar's (probably would not use a ceramic detailing spray btw - YMMV) to moisten the applicator pad so that your polish, sealant or wax will spread easier (highly advise this). This whole process will probably take at least 3+ hours or more the first time you do it. As you get better you can get it down to below 2 hours. To maintain the water beading, I apply a spray on wax like Meguiars or Mother's Spray on Wax every few months after washing. It's quick to apply and wipe off so will only add an additional 10 minutes to the wash process. Good luck!