The jokes thread

Stockbroker's Advice - Buy Now!

I called my stockbroker this morning
and asked him what I should be buying.

He said, "canned goods and ammunition".

 

Opps!

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

Grandpas vs Grandmas

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers &
Grandfathers? Well here it is:

A friend, just recently retired, now makes a special effort to spend
time with his family and grand kids. Every Sunday morning he decided he
would take his 7-year old Granddaughter out for a drive in the car for
some bonding time.. Just he and his Granddaughter. And they had done this for
several weeks.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said
that she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the
little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?" "Oh yes, Opa", the girl
replied, and do you know what?

We didn't see a single dumb ba$t**ds, dip $hi# or horse's nice person anywhere
we went today!"

Brings a tear doesn’t it?

 

Boysie

Some Trinidad humor....

Boysie was attending the football club's monthly meeting down in the La Basse. He told the boys that he couldn't make the hunting trip the next day because his wife, Brenda, wouldn't let him go. After listening to the usual comments of 'macommere man' and '$h1t hong', from his friends, Boysie went home.

The next day, however, when the other hunters reached the camp in the bush, who should be there but Boysie, sitting in front of a tent, Carib beer in hand. "Eh, eh, how yuh manage to talk de wife into lettin yuh come?"

"Ah didn't have to", was Boysie's reply.

"When ah went home, ah lay dong in mih hammock to sleep out mih sorrows. To mih surprise, de wife sneak up behin mih, cover mih eye an say: 'Surprise'!" When ah open mih eye dere she standin in a see-trough negligee. Den she say "Carry mih to de bedroom, tie mih to de bed and do whatever yuh want"
"So here ah is!"

 

It'slate fall and the Indians on aremote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets..
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every stick and branch.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man reply It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a hell of a lot of firewood'.

 

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced four times and I voted for Obama."

 

Good Blonde Joke

Sally, a contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?,' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but, instead, lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot She did not know the answer.

She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience

Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude,that the contestant could not help but be convinced.


Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is absolutely correct!

You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars...

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Sally fainted.

 

Drafting Guys Over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing nice person-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ba$ta#d$ that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-biatch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet....

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50....in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

Near Death Experience


Last night my mom and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her: 'Mom, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my mom got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me... and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!
. . . I ALMOST DIED!!!

 

Good one!

Roy Rogers & Dale Evans, the "Singing Cowboy & Cowgirl" were getting on in years, and were in their rockers, out on the front porch.


Roy had removed his new snake-skin boots, and placed them where he could admire them.


Suddenly, a mountain lion runs up, chomps down on the boots, and runs off with them!


Roy jumps up on Trigger, his horse, and rides off into the prairie, lookin' fer that varmint! He's gone for days.


A week later, Roy & Trigger ride up to the ranch. The mountain lion is slung over the horse, and Roy's wearing his snake-skin boots.


Dale, the Singing Cowgirl runs out to meet him & bursts into song:


"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?!"


tune of:
("Pardon me boy, is that the Chatanooga Choo-Choo?....)

 

$100.00 Bill

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating
down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and
runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the Co-op supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his
debt to the local prostitute, now offering her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her $100 room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so
the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the
$100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the
money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt,
and now looks to the future with great optimism!

And that, my friends, is how the United States Government
is conducting business today.

 

Supersex!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair;flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

Romance


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

 

Football and the Blonde

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:

Get the quarterback!
Get the quarterback!

I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! :rockon:

 

Told to me from across the table:

Irish wedding involving a mixed-religion couple. The priest and the vicar both presided, and afterward, during the reception, the caterer came up to the priest and vicar, where they were discussing how well the wedding had gone. "Can I get you a drink, Father?" he asked the priest.
"Oh, sure, my son. A wee dram would be lovely," the priest replies.
"And how about you, Vicar, would you like a cocktail?"
Looking affronted, the vicar sputtered, "Why, why, I'd rather commit adultery than allow spirits to pass my lips!"
The priest immediately said, "Oh, wait. I'll have what he's having!"

 

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Guns

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping

 

Why Are Americans Jobless

Seems to have some logic and humor...

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN
JAPAN) for 6 a.m.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his
electric razor (MADE IN PHILIPPINES).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN
SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN
VIETNAM). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE
IN INDIA), then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see
how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA),
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi
Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his
computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put
on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN
FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN KOREA), and then wondered why he
can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT (MADE IN KENYA)!!! :bump2: