The jokes thread

Ok Im not sure if this one is really bad, its kinda R rated, in a mental sence... :mellow:

Here goes: How can you tell if your girlfriend is to big? If she sits on your face and you can not hear the stereo.. :lol: :lol:

 

<span style="color:#003300">Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.</span>

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rufaro @ Oct 9 2007, 01:22 AM) [snapback]523032[/snapback]</div>

A cat replies:

You are mistaken. All food is mine. I permit you to eat some of my food because I like you. You are soft and warm and you scratch me, and I reward you for that by allowing you to eat some of my food.

Racing is fun. It is your responsibility when living in my house not to trip over me. You must be alert.

Please do not feel that you must sleep elsewhere if I and the dogs stretch out on the bed. You are welcome to curl up on any available space. We really enjoy it when you join us. I share my house with you because I like you, and the dogs like you too, so do please sleep on the bed with us. We will always leave you a corner.

You really think you are safe in the bathroom? I can see things you cannot.

Thank you for the message on the door. I knew I was right about you: You are a good person to have around and you may continue to live in my house and feed and pet me.

The cat.

 

Scene: an dusty old western town, blowing tumbleweed, horses tied to the front of a saloon (picture Clint Eastwood.)

This three legged dog swings open both the doors with a burst as he enters the saloon. Surveying the patrons with narrowed eyes, he states, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

I got these in an email; enjoy!

Vehicle Manufacturer meanings
ACURA
Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Always Under Diagnostic Inspection
Always Upside-down, Double Interest
Another Understated Dealer Incentive
A Used Dodge Incognito

BMW
Bob Marley and the Wailers
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Beautiful Models Wanted
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Biggest Metal Waste
Big Money Works
Bring My Wallet
Burn My Wallet
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring More Women
Bring More Wrenches
Bavarian Money Waster
Bring My Wad!
Blew My Wad!
Big Money Wasted
Bring Money Where?
Buy More Women



BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer

CADILLAC
Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions

CAMARO
Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time
Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time
Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time
Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time

CHEVY
Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time
Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?
Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
Crap Hasn't EVolved Yet


CHRYSLER
Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:
I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America

Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (|)
Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery
Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)
PT Boozer

DAEWOO
Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations
Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally


DODGE
Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
Doesn't only die, gets eaten
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Design Of Diabolical German Engineer
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere
Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive
Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone
Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (|)
Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine

FERRARI
Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

FIAT
Found In A Trashcan
Finest Italian Automotive Technology
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix It Another Time

FIRESTONE
Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers
Firestone Overstates Reliability Data

FORD
THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill
MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes
Found on repairman's doorstep
Found on rack daily
Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
Full Of Rust Deposits
Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable
F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER
Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us
F**ker Only Rolls Downhill
Fancy Oil Recycling Device
Found On Rubbish Dump
F***ed Over Road Disaster!
F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em
F**king Old Retarded Dudes
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge
Found On Rubbish Dump (|)
For Old Retired Drunks (|)
Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family
Firestone Overstates Reliability Data
First On Recall Day
Fast On Race Day
For Off Road Driving
Fireball On Rear Damage (|)
First On Race Day (|)
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven (|)
Fault Of R&D
MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage
F***ed On Raw Deal
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron`s DNA
Flip Over, Read Directions
Fork Over Remaining Dough
F**king Owners Really Dumb
F***ed On Race Day
(F)illped (O)ver ®esevation (D)ecoration
(F)**ked (O)ver ®ebuilt (D)iahatsu
For Old Retired Dutchmen
Found On Road Draggin
Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster
Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge
First On Repair Day
FORD Owners Really Dumb
From Our Reject Department
LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit

GEO
Get Everything Overpriced
Got Everything Overhauled

GM
General Maintenance
General Mistakes
Generally Malfunctions
General Misery
Great Mess
General Malpratice
Genital Motors
Give More
GiMme
Getting Malignant
Got Me
Grab Me

GMC
God's Mechanical Curse
Garage Man's Companion
Generic Motors Corporation
Got A Mechanic Coming?
Greatest Mistake Created
Great Mountain of Crap
Greasy Messy Contraption
Gay Man's Chevy
Generically Made Chevrolet
Gimme My Checkbook!
Get More Cash!

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (.)(.)
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Honda Options: No Deal Available!
Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!
Honda Options Never Deal Affordably
Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!

HUMMER
Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (|)
Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources

HYUNDAI
Here's Y U Never Drive An Import
Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive
Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved
Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception
Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside

Jeep
Just Empty Every Pocket (|)
Just Expect Every Problem (|)
Just Eats Every Penny
Just Everybody Else's Parts
Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
Just Expect Extra Payments

Jaguar
Just A Guess U Are Rich (|)

Kia
Keep It Away!
Kick It's nice person
Korean Imitation Accord
Korea's Imported Accident
Killer's Imported Asset
Kiss It Away
Killed In Action
Keep Inside Asia
Korea Invades America
KOREAN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT
Killer Implosion Awaits
Killed In Accident

LAMBORGHINI
Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

LOTUS
Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

Maserati
Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (|)

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt
Most Are Zealously Duped Always

MERCEDES
My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero
Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve
Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon


MITSUBISHI
Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
()
May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (|)
Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation (|)

MOPAR
Match Old Parts As Required
Most Often Parked At Roadside
Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'
Move Over People Are Racing
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Motor On Pavement After Race
Moments Of Power Are Rare

NISSAN
Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz
Need I Say Something About Nothing
Never In Season Simply A No-show

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

PONTIAC
Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky nice person Crap
Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil
Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned

PORSCHE
PORSCHE- Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything
PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING
Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything


SAAB
Some nice person Actually Boughtit!
Styling Absent After Buyout
Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate
Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards (Sent in by one of our visitors)
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed American Buyers
Start Adding Additional Brakefluid
Stop Asking About Brakes!
Sorry As A Bum

SALEEN
Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty

SATURN
Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now
Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Same American Trash Under Revised Name

SUBARU
Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas
SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)
Subaru: Souped Up Bad nice person Racing Unit
Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
This One You Oughta Tow Away
To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile
Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away (.)
Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

VW
Virtually Worthless
Very Wonderful
Very Weird
Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise
Volks Who?

 

I got these in an email; enjoy!

Vehicle Manufacturer meanings
ACURA
Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
A Car Usually Rarely Appreciates

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Always Under Diagnostic Inspection
Always Upside-down, Double Interest
Another Understated Dealer Incentive
A Used Dodge Incognito

BMW
Bob Marley and the Wailers
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Beautiful Models Wanted
Bavarian Manure Wagon
Biggest Metal Waste
Big Money Works
Bring My Wallet
Burn My Wallet
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Bring More Women
Bring More Wrenches
Bavarian Money Waster
Bring My Wad!
Blew My Wad!
Big Money Wasted
Bring Money Where?
Buy More Women



BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Idiot's Cat Killer

CADILLAC
Company Always Denies Its Lawful Liability After Collisions

CAMARO
Cash Always Miniscule After Retail Overpricing

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Cant Have Every Vehicle Race On Last Every Time
Can hear every valve rattle, oil leaks every time
Check Heads Every Valve Rattles Or Leaks Every Time
Cracked Heads Every Valve Rattles Oil Leaks Every Time

CHEVY
Can Hear Every Valve, Rod, or Lifter Every Time
Can't Have Everything Vern, YaknowwhatImean?
Cheapest Heap Ever Visualized Yet
Crap Hasn't EVolved Yet


CHRYSLER
Everyone knows who Lee Iacocca is right? His name IACOCCA stands for:
I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America

Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair (|)
Company Has Rid Your Savings Legally: Electronic Robbery
Chrysler Has Raped Your Sanity Loser - Expect Repercussions
PT Loser (for PT Cruiser name)
PT Boozer

DAEWOO
Damn All Engines With Oriental Operations
Damn Asian Engineering Works Only Occasionally


DODGE
Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
Doesn't only die, gets eaten
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Design Of Diabolical German Engineer
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Damned Old Dudes Going Everywhere
Damn Overhauls Do Get Expensive
Dear Old Dad's Garbage Engine
Don't Our Dealers Gouge Everyone
Dodge Neon: Need Engine Overhauled Now (|)
Darned Old Dirty Greasy Engine

FERRARI
Ferociously Elegant Racer Ravages All Roads Intuitively

FIAT
Found In A Trashcan
Finest Italian Automotive Technology
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
Failure In Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
Fix It Another Time

FIRESTONE
Firestone Inexplicably Recalls Explosive SUV Tires On Non-stable Explorers
Firestone Overstates Reliability Data

FORD
THUNDERBIRD: This Hoopty Usually Needs Daily Engine Repair But It Rolls Downhill
MUSTANG - Motor Usually Starts Then Almost Never Goes
Found on repairman's doorstep
Found on rack daily
Ford Owners Recommend Dodge
Full Of Rust Deposits
Faithful, Obedient, Reliable, Dependable
F**KING OLD RETARDED DRIVER
Ford Focus....Ford F**ck Us
F**ker Only Rolls Downhill
Fancy Oil Recycling Device
Found On Rubbish Dump
F***ed Over Road Disaster!
F***ing Oakey's Really Dig'em
F**king Old Retarded Dudes
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
F***ing Old Rebuilt Dodge
Found On Rubbish Dump (|)
For Old Retired Drunks (|)
Here's a good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Here's another good one: FORD backwards --> Driver Relies On Family
Firestone Overstates Reliability Data
First On Recall Day
Fast On Race Day
For Off Road Driving
Fireball On Rear Damage (|)
First On Race Day (|)
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven (|)
Fault Of R&D
MUSTANG - Mostly Unwanted Scrap Tin And Needless Garbage
F***ed On Raw Deal
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Most tasteless one on the page: Found O.J. and Ron`s DNA
Flip Over, Read Directions
Fork Over Remaining Dough
F**king Owners Really Dumb
F***ed On Race Day
(F)illped (O)ver ®esevation (D)ecoration
(F)**ked (O)ver ®ebuilt (D)iahatsu
For Old Retired Dutchmen
Found On Road Draggin
Frickin Old Ragged Dumpster
Fu**ed Over Rebuilt Dodge
First On Repair Day
FORD Owners Really Dumb
From Our Reject Department
LTD = Load of Trash from Detroit

GEO
Get Everything Overpriced
Got Everything Overhauled

GM
General Maintenance
General Mistakes
Generally Malfunctions
General Misery
Great Mess
General Malpratice
Genital Motors
Give More
GiMme
Getting Malignant
Got Me
Grab Me

GMC
God's Mechanical Curse
Garage Man's Companion
Generic Motors Corporation
Got A Mechanic Coming?
Greatest Mistake Created
Great Mountain of Crap
Greasy Messy Contraption
Gay Man's Chevy
Generically Made Chevrolet
Gimme My Checkbook!
Get More Cash!

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad's Assistance
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything (.)(.)
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Honda Options: No Deal Available!
Hold On, No Dealer Add-ons!
Honda Options Never Deal Affordably
Hang On, No Dealer Acquisitions!

HUMMER
Hope U Made Me Extra Reliable (|)
Huge Ugly Mother, Mostly Eats Resources

HYUNDAI
Here's Y U Never Drive An Import
Hope You Understand: Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
Hardly Your Understanding New Dealer Allowance Incentive
Hold Your Usual Nitpicks, Designs Are Improved
Helps You Undergo New Debt After Inception
Hang Your UNDerwear Anywhere Inside
Hope You Understand, No Deals Available Inside

Jeep
Just Empty Every Pocket (|)
Just Expect Every Problem (|)
Just Eats Every Penny
Just Everybody Else's Parts
Junk Everyone Eventually Piles
Just Expect Extra Payments

Jaguar
Just A Guess U Are Rich (|)

Kia
Keep It Away!
Kick It's nice person
Korean Imitation Accord
Korea's Imported Accident
Killer's Imported Asset
Kiss It Away
Killed In Action
Keep Inside Asia
Korea Invades America
KOREAN INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT
Killer Implosion Awaits
Killed In Accident

LAMBORGHINI
Loser Always Maintains Big Old Rotten Gunk; Hardly Inflates Nobody's Image

LOTUS
Loads Of Trouble Usually Serious

Maserati
Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements (|)

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
Must Always Zoom Down Asphalt
Most Are Zealously Duped Always

MERCEDES
My Expensive Race Car Emits Dense Exhaust Smoke - But Efficiency Near Zero
Most Expensive Road Car Everyone Drives Except Steve
Merger Engaged Reverse Chrysler Entering Decline Evident Soon


MITSUBISHI
Manufactured In Taiwan Sold Under British Influence Shipped Here Incomplete
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
()
May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside (|)
Men In Tight Spots Uttering Bulls__t In Sexual Harassment Investigation (|)

MOPAR
Match Old Parts As Required
Most Often Parked At Roadside
Move Over, Power Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Runnin'
Move Over People Are Racing
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Motor On Pavement After Race
Moments Of Power Are Rare

NISSAN
Nobody Intelligent Sorrowfully Saying Ahhh Nutz
Need I Say Something About Nothing
Never In Season Simply A No-show

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover Equipment

PONTIAC
Poor Old Ninny Thinks It's A Cadillac
Piece Of Nasty Tacky Icky nice person Crap
Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
FIREBIRD: Fast Irresistible Real Electrifying Bird Inexpensive Racing Dare-Devil
Pretty Overpriced Not That I Am Concerned

PORSCHE
PORSCHE- Plenty Of Receipts. Sorry, Can't Have Everything
PLENTY OF REPAIRS SERVICE CAN'T HELP EVERYTHING
Proof Only Rich Snobby Children Have Everything


SAAB
Some nice person Actually Boughtit!
Styling Absent After Buyout
Backwards >>>> Bad Asses Always Suffocate
Sorry Auto Assembled Backwards (Sent in by one of our visitors)
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sorry Assed American Buyers
Start Adding Additional Brakefluid
Stop Asking About Brakes!
Sorry As A Bum

SALEEN
Some Aristocrats Love Every Expensive Novelty

SATURN
Sorry Assed Transmission Under Repair Now
Some Argue That Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Send Another Towtruck Ubiquitous Repairs Needed
Same American Trash Under Revised Name

SUBARU
Stupid Urbanites Bumbling Around Rural Areas
SUBARU backwards is: U R A BUS (You are a bus)
Subaru: Souped Up Bad nice person Racing Unit
Souped Up Blazingly Awesome Racing Unit

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
This One You Oughta Tow Away
To Operate Your Own Terrific Automobile
Tolerances Over Yielding, Often Towed Away (.)
Toyota Overcharges You On Their Accessories

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Very Overpriced Lame Vehicle Options

VW
Virtually Worthless
Very Wonderful
Very Weird
Very Old Lowered Kinky Sedan With A Great Engine Noise
Volks Who?

 

This one is from Car Talk: [List of grocery items altered due to bad memory.]

"I was at the grocery store, putting my items on the conveyor belt at the cash register: Catsup, smoked salmon, old-fashioned oatmeal, orange juice, toilet paper, and cottage cheese; when a drunk in back of me in line said, 'You must be single.' I tried to figure out how the drunk knew that I am, in fact, single, based on my shopping cart. What could there be about these items that revealed my marital status? So I turned to the drunk, and said, 'As it happens, you are right. I am single. But how did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Because you're ugly!' "

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(hycamguy07 @ Oct 16 2007, 09:34 AM) [snapback]526406[/snapback]</div>

How about deleting the duplicate post, please?

 

I'm not happy, 'till you're not happy!
;-)

 

Chinese newlyweds, both quite young, both virgins, their first night.

Undressed in the dark, under the covers, the shy husband whispers :
"What would you like?"

The shyer wife responds in a hushed voice :
"I heard #69 is good"

The husband, quite confused, asks :

"You want a General TAO Chicken, Steam Rice & Spring Roll combo ?????"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Not a joke, as such, but coffee-out-the-nose funny nonetheless:

From The Independent:

There's nothing stranger than non-fiction

By Louise Jury, Arts Correspondent

Published: 09 March 2007


They are not the kind of titles that are likely to top the books
bestseller charts. But half a dozen bizarre tomes including a guide to
stray shopping trolleys and a history of a Coventry ice-cream business
may win their 15 minutes of fame as contenders for the Oddest Book
Title of the Year.

The competition, which has been run by The Bookseller magazine since
1978, invites publishers, booksellers and libraries to submit their
choices of the strange and odd.

Last year's winner was People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They
Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It by
Gary Leon Hill.

And the shortlist for the prize in 2006 provides an equally curious
insight into the publishing world. The candidates start with How Green
Were the Nazis, edited by Franz-Josef Bruggemeier, Mark Cioc and Thomas
Zeller, which claims to be the first study of the Third Reich's
environmental policies. It offers "an in-depth exploration of the
intersections between brown ideologies and green practices".

Next up is D Di Mascio's Delicious Ice Cream: D Di Mascio of Coventry -
An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of
Ice Cream Vans by Roger de Boer, a history of the city's ice-cream
makers.

The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field
Identification by Julian Montague is described thus by its publishers:
"Despite the ubiquity of stray shopping carts, little effort has been
made to comprehend the complex relationship between cart and landscape.
This is, in no small part, due to the fact that we have until now
lacked a formalised language to describe these wayward carts in
systematic detail."

The next contender is Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of
Daghestan by Robert Chenciner, Gabib Ismailov, Magomedkhan
Magomedkhanov and Alex Binnie, an illustrated book on the vanishing art
of the tattoos found on women in the Islamic Russian republic. It also
examines the designs of domestic spoonboxes.

Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium has a
list of editors almost too long to mention but is part of a series
stretching back 50 years, covering all things seaweed including applied
seaweed science and management. The publishers insist it "will be
referred to for many years to come".

And the final nomination is Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of
Coming into Existence by David Benatar. In it, he argues that one
suffers "quite serious harms" by coming into existence that "could not
have befallen one had one not come into existence".

Members of the public are invited to vote for The Bookseller/ Diagram
Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year. Votes should be cast at
theBookseller.com on the book title alone, not on content.

Previous winners

* Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (1978)

* Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the other
90 per cent of your Mind to Increase the Size of your Breasts (1985)

* Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality (1986)

* Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual (1990)

* Living with Crazy Buttocks (2002)

* Bombproof your Horse (2004)

 

Q: What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of pot?

A: Hey! This band sucks!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why did President Clinton have a pair of women's panties taped to his arm?

A: It's a patch. He's trying to quit.

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their
stories.

'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a
pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty
enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last one with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking.'

 

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just declare darkness the new standard and charge extra for flashlights.

It's also not PC to speak of a "blackout". It should be called a "formerly lit area".

 

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him his beer and says, "Here you go. Don't start anything!"

 

This incident took place in Dublin awhile ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night.. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic. Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him.

Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead.

Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience just had. A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to the pub to escape the stormy night.

They, like John, were soaking wet and out ofbreath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy, there's that idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it."

 

The only joke I can remember for some reason:

God could have finished Texas if he hadn't rested on the seventh day!!!

 

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

 

Old Butch
​

​

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
​

hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose
​

job it was to fertilize the eggs.
​

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
​

the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
​

bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
​

had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
​

was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
​

report simply by listening to the bells.
​

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
​

was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
​

hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
​

chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
​

coming, would run for cover.
​

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
​

it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
​

the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
​

Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
​

The result...the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
​

Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
​

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a
​

politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
​

awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
​

and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
​

 

Maybe you've heard this one, but it's always made me laugh:

A hooker walks into a bar looking for busness. She sees a man sitting at the bar all alone, so she walks up to him and says, "I'll do anything you want me to do for you for $50 if you can say it in three words or less."

The man looks the prostitute up and down, thinks about it for a moment, and replies, "Paint my house."