The jokes thread

A guy walks into a bar. A sign above the bar reads: Cheese sandwich - five dollars, Hand jobs, three dollars. Just then a lady walks out from behind the bar. The guy says to her, are you the lady that gives the hand jobs? She smiles and says , why yes I am. He says good, now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich.....

A wife decides to get a tattoo on her body for her husbands birthday. she drives to the tattoo parlor. she tells the guy that she wants a tattoo for husband who is a musician. The guy says OK, who is his favorite musician. She says, B.B. King. He says how about I tattoo your nice person with BB KING? She says OK, how much will it cost? He says three hundred dollars. She gasps and says, I only have one hundred and fifty bucks. He says, OK, how about if I only tattoo the letter B on each nice person cheek for $150 dollars? She says OK and gets one letter B on each bun. Later that afternoon her husband comes home and notices a little grin on her face. She says I have a birthday surprise for you - she then drops her pants and bends over in front of him and says, what do you think? The husband pauses and gets a strange look on his face and says, thats nice honey, thank you - but who the helll is BoB?

An illegal alien from Mexico arrives in San Diego after jumping the border fence. He ends up at a baseball stadium. He can't get a seat inside so he decides to climb a flagpole for a better view. When the national anthem starts to play, he thinks he hears this, Jose can you see? and he says to himself, Yes I can see fine.

 

Blonde joke warning.

A blonde found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Outraged, she grabs a gun and heads to his apartment. She bangs on the door and it flies open. There is her boyfriend holding another woman in his arms. As the blonde puts the gun up to the side of her head, she screams, “How could you?â€

The boyfriend pleads, “Honey, I’m sorry! But don’t do it. I’m not worth it.â€

The blonde replies, “Shut up! You’re next!â€

 

Blonde joke #2

Her car got dented in a fender bender so she drove to a body shop. The shop owner had more business than he could handle, but couldn't resist making a joke out of turning her away. "You can repair that all by yourself, honey," he said. "All you gotta do is is just give a good blow into the tailpipe, that little ol' dent'll pop right out."

"Thanks," she said and drove home.

In the driveway, she got down on her knees and began blowing as hard as she could into the tailpipe. At that moment her blonde boyfriend roared up on his Harley.

"What in the blazes are you doin? Tryin' to pervert that car?" he snorted.

"No," she said, out of breath. "The mechanic said this would pop out that dent."

"Well you dumb so'n'so!" her boyfriend exclaimed. "Ain't you smart enough to know you got to roll the windows up first?"

 

Marital Bliss

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

>She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."

 

Why are computers like air conditioners?

They both work fine untill you open windows! =)

 

Hmmm..Could it be my last joke was so terrible this thread died?

Well nonetheless here is another computer related one for you.

From the Tech Support Files:

User: Nothing Happend

Tech: Tell me exactly what you did

User: You said write 'click' on the taskbar, so I wrote 'click' on it and nothing happend.

<Insert Groan Here>

 

Another blonde joke:

A doctor comes to visit a blonde in her hospital room after she's had surgery. The blonde asks the doctor, "how soon can I have sex again?"
The doctor says, "I don't know. You're the first patient to ask me that question after a tonsillectomy!"

 

Joke or fact?

Computers cannot replace humans as they may master artificial intelligence, but they will never match genuine stupidity.

 

Darken, I have some stupid computers, not a joke.

Scenario, it's the old west: A three legged dog swings aside the saloon doors to greet the stuned and silenced patrons stating, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

 

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,

"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his nice person.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his nice person.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T'.

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) Recommended grace before a meal is not 'Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God'.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

Remember - anytime you want to knock lawyers;

It's the only the 99% that make the other 1% look bad!

 

The chief engineer died and stood at St. Peter's desk while St. Peter looked him up in the big book. After awhile St. Peter closed the book and shook his head. "Sorry, you're not listed," he said, and cocked his heavenly thumb toward a small unmarked door. "You'll have to take that elevator to where you're supposed to go."

The chief engineer started to argue but St. Peter cut him off with a glare. So the engineer, stunned, went over and pushed the big red button. It was the only button, and its arrow pointed down.

The chief engineer spent his first million years in hell in a depressed funk, but after awhile his natural optimism got the better of him and he started to use his engineering skill to improve conditions. In another million years he'd plumbed hell from one end to the other with cold, colder and iced running water, installed air conditioning in all the lava beds and magma flues and had generally made the place almost habitable.

About that time God rang up Satan on the inter-ether comm line. "So," God boomed, "How's it going down there? Keeping your cool?" he teased.

"Couldn't be better!" Satan sneered. "We got ourselves an engineer. We've got cold running water and automatically regulated air conditioning. It's damn near pleasant down here!"

"NO!" God thundered. "That's a mistake! You send that engineer up here immediately!"

"Not a chance!" Satan gloated. "I'm keeping him!"

"You send that engineer back," God roared so fiercely it knocked embers off Satan's horns, "or I'll SUE!!"

"Yah, right," Satan grinned. "And just WHERE are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"

 

<blockquote><span style="color:black">Trip to Mars

Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is
oxygen on the planet.

"Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is
oxygen, or nothing happens."

He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue,
a Martian appears waving all his arms..."No, no, don't!"

The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown
explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match....

And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their
arms: "No, no, don't do that!"

"It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we're here for
Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars".

He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and..... nothing happens.

"Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"

The leader of the Martians says,

"Today is Shabbos!"</span></blockquote>

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rufaro @ Sep 25 2007, 12:35 AM) [snapback]517286[/snapback]</div>

I don't get it.

 

Okay, so I AM the official threadkiller...

Observant Jews aren't supposed to make a flame on the sabbath.

here are a few more...


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water."

Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he s ays, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other
issue."

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of
by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take
any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the
bathroom.

AND

"OLD" IS WHEN . You are not sure these are jokes.