The jokes thread

Three Army generals meet for lunch and get into a bragging contest. At one point, the subject turns to courage.

The first general says "Ha! I have the most courageous men in the entire military! Here, I'll prove it to you!" He calls over his first lieutenant, then points to a nearby communications tower in the middle of the airfield. "Lieutenant, I want you to climb to the top of that tower and jump off with no parachute!"

The lieutenant salutes his commander and yells "Yes sir!", then runs over to the nearby tower, climbs all the way to the top, then obediently jumps off the tower and plummets back to the earth. He is killed instantly upon impact.

The general turns back to his comrades and says "Look at that. Have you ever seen such courage?"

The second general waves his hand. "That's nothing! My men aren't just courageous, they do it with passion and style! Watch this!" He calls over one of his sergeants. "Sergeant, I want you to climb up to the top of that tower and jump off, no parachute, and I want you to do a triple-backflip swan dive. Go!"

The sergeant salutes the generals and says "Yes sir!", then runs over to the tower and climbs up. At the top, he leaps off the tower and executes a perfect swan dive with the triple backflip the general ordered, and to add flair to the display, he gives off a triumphant yell on his way down. He too is killed when he hits the ground.

The second sergeant folds his arms, satisfied. "Top that, will ya."

The third sergeant shakes his head and says "Amateurs. Let me show you what real courage is!" He calls over a private, fresh out of boot camp, and says, "Private, I want you to climb up that tower and jump off. No parachute. And I want you to perform a quadruple backflip, a spin, and then work yourself into a cannonball position. And I want you to sing the national anthem while you do it. Make me proud, soldier!"

The private stands there and laughs, then says "Get a life, General!" and walks away.

The general folds his arms and nods to the other two. "Now THAT's courage!"

 

What do you call members of the Rutgers women's basket ball team????




Ok, jokes that aren't racial, aren't making fun of mentally ill, or sick and twisted, are just plain boring.


So, in an effort not to post any, if you want some really tasteless racial humor, go here:

DO NOT click on these links if you watch Disney movies, or are sensitive to tasteless, "horrible" racial humor. It's a FREE country, YOU make the decision.

http://www.uhnsa.com/forum/index.php?topic=1924.new

This one covers a lot of races:

http://www.resist.com/jokes.htm

 

A bear walks into a bar and demands a beer. The bartender says, "I don't serve bears!" The bear insists on being served, but the bartender refuses. Finally the bear points to a hooker sitting at the bar and says, "if you don't give me a beer, I'll eat her!" The bartender says, "I don't give a crap, I told you I don't serve bears!"
So the bear eats the woman, and says to the bartender, "now are you gonna give me a beer?" The Bartender says, "I told you, I don't serve bears- especially bears on drugs!" The bear says, "what are you talking about- I don't take drugs!"
The bartender replies, "what about that bar-bitch-you-ate!"

 

Did you hear about the priest who went crazy while giving his sermon? It was mass hysteria!

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(hill @ Jan 13 2007, 12:34 PM) [snapback]375171[/snapback]</div>

Rodney is leaving a bar and is feeling frisky, so he tells the cab driver he wants him to take him some place where he can get some hot sex for not a lot of money. So the cabby takes him home to his wife...

He gave his son a .22 caliber rifle for Christmas; his son gave him a t-shirt with a target on the back....

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(05_SilverPri @ Apr 24 2007, 03:34 PM) [snapback]429194[/snapback]</div>

More Rodney:
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?













Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

 

HOW MANY ______ DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Anglicans: 8. One to call the electrician and 7 to say how much they liked the old one better.

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Lutherans: Change ?!?!?!?!?!

Mennonites: At least 15. One to change the bulb and 3 or 4 committees to approve the change. Oh, and a casserole.

Mormons: 5. One man to change the bulb and 4 wives to tell him how to do it.

Pentecostals: 10. One to change the bulb and 9 to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will go on and off.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

 

Two guys walk into a bar. Now, I just gotta wonder about these two. I mean, the first guy walks into the bar, so you'd think the other guy would at least SEE it first...

 

We're at an international airport.

The first class passengers are boarding a 747, entering at the front of the plane, settling into their seats and having that first glass of vino, when there's a bit of a disturbance as the flight attendants make way for someone.

It's the copilot, wearing really dark glasses and carrying a white and red cane.

Then, as soon as he passes, here comes the pilot...also wearing really dark glasses and carrying a cane.

Some of the passengers do a double take, but the cockpit door closes and eventually the engines start up and they push back and make their way to the runway.

Finally, they receive clearance; the power comes up and they begin their takeoff roll.

They're rolling, and rolling, and rolling...picking up speed like normal, but not rotating.

On down the runway they go, nearing the end at a frightening pace...until one passenger screams, and then they all join in.

Just then, the plane rotates and they barely clear the parking garage at the end of the runway.

In the cabin, the tension begins to settle.

In the cockpit, the pilot says to the copilot, "Boy, that was close. One of these days, they're not going to scream soon enough, and we'll crash!"

------------------------------

Also: how many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. They hold the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

 

LITTLE JOHNNY'S THINKING

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

 

For anyone who's been on a film-shoot before:

How many cinematographers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it's gonna take at least 45 minutes to light it.

For those who like stupid jokes:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!

 

Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie are travelling together in a small plane. Suddenly, the engine begins to sputter and then quits completely.

The pilot yells back at them, "jump!" and gestures to the parachutes.

Unfortunately, there are only two.

The hippie stands up and says, selflessly, to the Dalai Lama: "you're a very important person to the religions of the world, and a very wise man, so you should get one of the parachutes."

Gates becomes upset. "I am also very important --to the world of business-- and I'm also very intelligent. It's important that I have the other parachute."

The hippie, resigned, gestures to the pack on the floor.

Gates takes it, straps it on, and jumps out.

At that point the pilot glances back and says, "geez, I can't believe you gave away the only other parachute!"

To which the hippie replies: "Actually, the man who claims to be soooooo intelligent just jumped out of the plane...wearing my backpack!"

 

According to the National Institute of Incomplete Statistics, 7 out of 10

 

Jake is lying in his deathbed. His wife of 50 years is at his side holding his hand.

Jake moans - " I don't deserve you. I cheated on you with both of your sisters"

The wife says - "Yes, I know. don't talk".

" I cheated on you with all of your friends in the country club"

"Yes, I know. You're weak, don't talk"

"I cheated on you with your psychologist".

"YES, I KNOW. LIE QUIETLY, GIVE THE POISON A CHANCE TO WORK".

 

Courtesy of James Thurber:

The admiral is watching the enemy ship sink, and asks the captain: "Who fired that shot?"

The captain replies: "The ship's cook, sir. He got the range and stove in her side."

 

A massive flood hits a city. People are fleeing by the hundreds... except one man, who stays right where he is.

One of the man's neighbors pulls up and sees him sitting on his porch, watching the flood waters starting to rise. "Hey! Get in the car! The flood's going to wash away your house!"

The man responds, "No, that's okay! God'll take care of me! I'll be fine!" The neighbor shakes his head and drives off.

A short time later, the waters have overtaken the street and are starting to flood out the man's first floor. Just as he's getting ready to climb up onto his roof, another person in a boat arrives and yells, "Hey! Get in the boat! We can still get out of here!"

Once again, the man responds, "I'm all right! God's gonna take care of me!" So the boater goes on to the next house.

Later still, the flood waters have risen severely. The entire neighborhood is now a raging river. The man is now on his roof, feeling it creak as the house below him starts to crumble. A helicopter arrives and lowers a ladder, and the rescue worker calls down to him, "Quick, climb up the ladder! We're here to save you!"

The man still refuses, saying "God's gonna take care of me!" So the helicopter leaves.

Shortly afterward, the house collapses, the roof caves in, and the man is swept away in the flood waters. He drowns and ends up in Heaven, where God Himself comes out to greet him. The man then asks, "God, why didn't you save me down there?"

God replies, "What are you talking about? I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter!"

 

A lawyer, a rabbi, and a traveling salesman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this- some kind of a joke?"