Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Something to look over for the weekend....

My apologies to the ladies, but then most of you already knew this is what most of us guys need.

A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in:

BECOMING A REAL MAN

That's right, in just two years you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas

Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting in At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like A jerk When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)


SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise Especially Naked
MEN 230A Anniversaries Are Important #1

Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Anniversaries Are Important #2

Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

 

(I think I may have got this one from this forum actually...worth a repost though)

Dog and Cat Diaries

Dog's Diary entries:
--------------------

8:00 am Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
----------------------------------

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had
hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates
what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about
what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly
of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors
by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --
but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more
than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an
informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain
that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for
him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now...

 

My cat is ROTFLOL! She loved it. (of course, I had to read it to her) Stupid Cat!

Bob

 

This was in a book of doctor jokes at the osteopath's office (sore neck).

A man goes to a doctor, who performs tests, and when the results arrive, tells the man:

"You have AIDS, leprosy, plague, and scarlet fever. I've arranged for you to be transported immediately to the hospital, where I've ordered you a special diet of flounder and pancakes."

"Will that help?" said the man.

"No," the doctor replied. "But they're the only foods that will fit under the door."

 

Did you hear on the news lately, it's reported that psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill and should be confined?
Sad news.
So go ahead and check three of your closest friends. if they seem okay,
then it's you.

ZC1

 

Heard this on NPR today.

A dog walks into a bar, gets up on the stool and proceeds to talk to the bartender.

"Hi. I'm a talking dog. A talking dog is pretty special. What say I get a free drink for being a talking dog?"

The Bartender replies:

"Sure thing. The toilet is down the hall to the right."

 

Don was excited to go bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, so he turned around and saw a big black bear.
The black bear said, "Don, you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex."
Don decided to bend over.
After two weeks of feeling sore, Don recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip, where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear was standing right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices: either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."
Again, Don thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered.
Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
Finally he felt the sweet taste of revenge.
But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

ZC1

 

One Bright, Beautiful Sunday Morning

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the town of Snyder got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the rear entrance, tramping each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon, everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving appearing oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now, this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said.

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain"t," said the man.

Satan was a little disturbed by this and asked,

"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

You've heard it before, but ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?
Well, here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far nice person kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and nice person kissing that will put you over the top.

ZC1

 

:hail::rofl::spit::rockon::cheer2:


Hahahha... Oh man. The lighthouse against the carrier. And the dog who ate the wife and in-law. Man oh man. Great stuff!

 

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE vs. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American
University.

(Teacher)
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph,
and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

--------------------------------------------------------------

STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His ossessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

------------------------------------------------------

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------------------


(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of STUPID IDIOTIC TEA??? Oh no, I'm
such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

----------------------------------------------------------


(Rebecca)
Fascist war-mongering Creatan!
----------------------------------------------------------


(Gary)
Whacked-out whiney feminist flake.
----------------------------------------------------------


(Rebecca)
Pompous nincompoop jerk
----------------------------------------------------------


(Gary)
Air-headed Bimbo slut.
---------------------------------------------------------


(Rebecca)
Fascist pig nerd.
----------------------------------------------------------


(Gary)
Go drink some tea - you *@$% <mailto:*@$%>#.

--------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
TO H*** WITH YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------



**********************************************

(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

 

#6 is my favorite...

Some Home remedies:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.

 

I like numbers 3 and 5!

 

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him that there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and, in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If she cannot, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he is in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

He moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room, where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.

He then walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there is no response.

Finally, he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" to which she replies,



"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

 

Ireland Declares War on France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

ZC1

 

This one is best acted out while telling:

In heaven, Jesus thought it would be fun to disguise himself and serve as a greeter at the Pearly Gates. As each person came up the path he would welcome them, "well done good and faithful servant, enter in to the place prepared for you."

Up the path, slowly and bent over with age, comes an old man. "Welcome," says Jesus, enter in. The old man says,(in old man voice) "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to rest a bit and think of my son... He was my pride and joy... the whole world knows him... they called him the Son of the Carpenter... he had nails in his hands and nails in his feet, but he loved everybody..."

Jesus didn't recognize the wizened old man but thought to himself..."could this be my earthly father, Joseph? I can't believe it! what luck to greet him!"

The old man repeated his words...."Son of the Carpenter...Nails in hands and nails in his feet... everybody remembers him."

Jesus can't stand it any longer and shouts out..... "Dad?"

The old man slowly looks up and squints at the bright glow of Jesus and says:

PINOCCHIO?
:yo:

 

A gorgeous young woman gets into a taxi one day.
On the way, the cabby asks her, "Hey baby, would you screw me for 25 dollars?"
Insulted, the woman asks, "What kind of girl do you think I am??"
"Well," the cabby says, "If I was a multi-millionaire, and paid you a million dollars, and had the body of a famous movie star, would you do it with me then?"
"I guess I would," the woman says.
"In that case," the cabby says, "Will you screw me for 25 dollars?"
"What kind of a girl do you think I am??" the woman says again.
Says the Cabby, "We've already established that. Now we're just dickering over price."

ZC1