Joke of the Day

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from? '
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine. '
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, ' the divorce Court judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week, '

'That's very fair, your honor, ' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. '
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife. '
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City? '
The agent replies, 'Just a minute. . '
'Thank you, ' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion. '
Joe: 'Really? '
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell. '
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The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker is that the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
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The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
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I want to warn people from Nigeria. if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
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What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's...
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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think? Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. -------------------------------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates , met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam . I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.' 'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter 'How many seconds in a year ?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..' '

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run!'

 

OLD BUT STILL FUNNY, sorry. :yawn:

Subject: The Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,

I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters;

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later Donald Trump arrived at the gates. 'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator....

 

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce..'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

Anger Management:

Husband says:When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet.
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your tooth brush.

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

 

Dave was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had just told
them he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day because
his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
biker buddies, Dave left to go back home to his wife.

When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Dave sitting in front of his tent, beer in hand, camp
oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said,
"Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

 

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift super-visor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning younot to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.'