Joke of the Day

LoL!!! Wish I had multiple "LIKES" for that one!!!

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagara," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it'll give you something to hold on to when I pull this tooth out."

 

Literally LOL.

 

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn’t … she just walked in."

 

HEADACHES & TESTICLES


The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed, after 20 years of excruciating headaches, I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said,'Let's see... Size 44
long.'

I laughed, that's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How
about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said,' Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

“Been in the business 60 years."

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you this time! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.
A size 34 will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside ?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do... Why ?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside !"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got some water for him, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside ?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time ?" (I JUST LOVE THIS PART)
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin !"

 

Yesterday my live in girlfriend came home a couple of hours early. I had the day off, because I work for the Government. I was in the bedroom when she came in on me unexpectedly. I knew she was in quite a mood when the first thing she said to me was "Peter, take my dress off". I took her dress off and dropped it on the floor. She then said, "Peter, take my slip off". I took it off and hung it on the bedpost. Then she said, "Peter, take off my bra and panties". I shivered with excitement as I took her bra and panties off and threw them on
the bed. Then she got right up against me and said "Peter, if I ever catch you wearing my things again, I'm leaving you"!

 

I was up all night, wondering what had happened to the sun. Then it dawned on me...

Sorry, a visiting scientist told us that one today....