Joke of the Day

An old Navy Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old Navy leather
flight jacket and ordered a cup ofcoffee..

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Skyraider and Cougars.. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

Joe and Jim, a couple of broke college kids, are bored. Between them they have $5 which will not get them beer, into a club or movie tickets.

As they are lamenting their situation, a bulb goes off in Jim's head.

"Give me the $5 - I have an idea." Joe hands over the money and Jim runs to the Rite Aid a few blocks down.

Joe is waiting, and Jim comes out of the store carrying a bag with a big grin on his face. When Joe opens the bag, he finds a box of tampons.

"Jim, you idiot! What are we going to do with these?!" Joe said in disgust.

Jim replied, "These are the answer to all our prayers. It says on the side of the box with these we can swim, horseback ride and play tennis."


An attractive supermodel strolls into a bar. She walks up to a guy seated there and says, "I will do anything for you for free, no matter how vile, perverse, kinky it may seem, if you can ask me in just three words."

The guy sat back, contemplated his choices and said:

"Paint my house."


An older farmer collected oranges on his Florida property every afternoon. He could fill a 5 gallon joint compound bucket with the oranges and he enjoyed the walk as it gave him a chance to walk around his property and his dog got a chance to run in the warm sunshine.

One day, he hears splashing and giggling at the pond next to the orchard and he stumbles upon six young ladies skinny dipping in the pond as he is carrying the bucket of oranges.

"You might want to get out of there," he starts to say but the young ladies interrupt and squeal, "Eww, no old man, you just want to see us naked. Go away and we will get out of the pond."

He paused and said, "Take all the time you need. I always come down here at this time to feed the alligators in that pond."

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone. ...

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Murphy's Other 15 Laws.....

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it for the other foot.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

First-year students at Texas A&M Veterinary School were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In veterinary
medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is not to be disgusted by anything involving the animal's
body.” The Professor then pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the dead cow's butt, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitating for several minutes; but, eventually, took turns
sticking a finger in the dead cow's butt and then sticking it in their
mouths.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine...
Plus, the head and the nice person are interchangeable.

 

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman's double"?

"Whats that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't." And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life.

She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"

 

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

Great to see some new jokes on a regular basis

On a lonly trip through Nebraska John was going faster than allowed - well he was speeding along with far more than 120 mph.
Of course he was followed by a police car pretty soon and it was a chase which lasted about half an hour. Finally he was stopped and the officer (who probably enjoyed the high speed chase as well) said:
"If you offer a good excuse, which I did never ever hear before, I will let you get away without a fine."
The driver answered:
"Last week, my wife ran away with a police officer. A I saw you in the rear view mirror, I thought you wanted to return her..."

 

DEMOCRATIC

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

 

^PRESENT ADMINISTRATION

You work hard and save enough to buy a cattle ranch employing dozens.
Your neighbors have none.
You and other good American's like you pay taxes, amounting to almost 3/4 of all taxable revenue, so that these poor people can be helped.
Your taxes are used to pay off banks, big corporations, cronies and the rest is wasted.
Another large proportion is consumed trying to comply with government regulations.
Still you manage to increase the cow herd and employee dozens.
Not satisfied the government raises taxes and passes more expensive legislation "for your own good."
You vote for less government spending, less waste and lower taxes.
Outraged the government uses it's lapdog the MSM to paint you as selfish and unAmerican.
The government raises taxes again, increases spending and
Now you're just like your neighbor, they have no cows and neither do you.

 

A wife is in bed with her lover when she hears her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she says. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you are in bed with me."
Sure enough, the husband slumps into bed, none the wiser.
But a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he sees six feet sticking out the end of he bed.
He turns to his wife. "Hey, there are six feet in the bed. There should only be four. Whats going on?"
"Nonsense," says the wife. "You're so drunk you've miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbs out of bed and counts. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

 

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

 

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh


The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh


The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh


The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh


His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh


His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh


The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh


The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh


The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh


The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh


The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh


An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh


The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh


A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh


And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

 

Los Angeles Pet Owners - jackie kashian Stand up

 

A marathon running brother -------------------------------- Far Gogh
A constipated cousin ------------------------------------------ No Gogh
A race driver uncle -------------------------------------------- Car Gogh

 

This one may have already appeared, but 30+ pages of jokes is too much to search through, so here goes:
"Survivor - Texas Style"

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" TV show, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they willgo on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.




Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers which will read:


1. "Amnesty For Illegals"
2. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
3. "Boycott Beef"
4. "I Voted For Obama"
5. "George Strait Sucks"
6. "Re-elect Obama In 2016"
7. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
8. "Rosie O’Donnell Is Texas Born"
9."I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
10. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
11. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
12. "It's Bush's Fault"
13. “Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion"
and the last sticker is…
14."I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

 

No fair taking the bumperstickers from off my Rudy...