Joke of the Day

[FONT=&quot]One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When she asked me why, I replied, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And that's how the fight started..... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'No,' she answered. I then said, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Is that your final answer?' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And that's when the fight started... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I took my wife to a restaurant. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Nah, she can order for herself." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And that's when the fight started..... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]_______________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I asked her, "Do you know him?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Yes", she sighed, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]hasn't been sober since." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]celebrating that long?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And then the fight started... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]making beer.. always something more important to me. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]______________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She asked, "What's on TV?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I said, "Dust." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And then the fight started... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my [/FONT][FONT=&quot]l[/FONT][FONT=&quot]unch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And that's how the fight started... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]_______________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming [/FONT][FONT=&quot]a[/FONT][FONT=&quot]nniversary. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I bought her a bathroom scale. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And then the fight started...... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]______________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]to pay me a compliment.' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And then the fight started....... [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]________________________________ [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]That's how the fight started. [/FONT]

 

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . A green spot on the inside of each.

"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.".........

 

[FONT=&quot]A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'[/FONT]

 

The Lone Ranger's LAST REQUEST...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed: "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...
"In honor of the great Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests."
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse," but we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"

Again, the Lone Ranger asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette,
even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.


The following morning the Indian Chief said:
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But we will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone,the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,looked him square in the eye and said,

“Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...â€
"BRING POSSE!"