Joke of the Day

[FONT=&quot]Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went [/FONT][FONT=&quot]into a deep coma.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins[/FONT][FONT=&quot]... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot[/FONT][FONT=&quot]... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?

'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]D[/FONT][FONT=&quot]enise' says the doctor.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought[/FONT][FONT=&quot]...'I really like Denise.’[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'

The doctor replies ' Denephew '[/FONT]

 

[FONT=&quot]2 Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster. Husband came home, ate dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished sex in 5 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes.
How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed
my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill. I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so pissed that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another damned hour. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[FONT=&quot]ARNOLD’S SIDE OF THE STORY[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Once you know the facts it's understandable; [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Arnold approached Maria and said,,,, "Maria, the maid wants another raise.†[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]And Maria, after a little thought says, “Screw her!†[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The rest is history[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

 

Redneck Medical Dictionary


Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria........................... Back door to cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign............................. What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section ............ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan.......................... Searching for Kitty
Cauterize......................... Made eye contact with her
Colic............................... A sheep dog
Coma.............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema............................ Not a friend
Fester............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................. A small lie
Impotent......................... Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................... A Doctor's cane
Morbid............................ A higher offer
Nitrates........................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.............................. I knew it
Outpatient...................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative................ A letter carrier
Recovery Room.............. Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......................... ****** near killed him
Secretion........................ Hiding something
Seizure........................... Roman emperor
Tablet............................ A small table
Terminal Illness .............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out

 

WARNING: Be careful of what you buy on eBay

I recently won an auction for an easy to use variable size penis enlarger. Just what I needed. Cost $100.
The bastards sent me a magnifying glass
Came with a warning: Do not use under direct sunlight!

 

[FONT=&quot]A dog lover whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]although it was late, she phoned the vet[/FONT][FONT=&quot]who answered in a very grumpy voice.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Having heard the problem explained to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the[/FONT][FONT=&quot]ringing[/FONT][FONT=&quot]will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]"Hell, it just worked for me," he replied.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=&quot]A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She says, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me ... talking to the wine."[/FONT]

 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner, 'the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

 

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[FONT=&quot]Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son, Aaron, for dinner.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
He lives with a female roommate, Sarah.

During the course of the meal she can't help noticing how attractive Aaron's roommate is. Watching the two interact over the course of the evening, she starts to wonder if there is more between Aaron and his roommate than meets the eye. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Reading his mom's thoughts, Aaron volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you, Sarah and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sarah comes to Aaron saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure."[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]So he sits down and writes his mother an e-mail.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my house and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Aaron"

Several days later, Aaron receives an e-mail response from his Mother.

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you do sleep with Sarah, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mother" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]