Joke of the Day

No pun intended

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of
language development.

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?",
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for
adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other
goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade"
the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him (Oh, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in
ten did.

 

Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

TO: GOD

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, poop, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a "face towel."

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a "squeaky toy" so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?

 

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
Exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies........

Drank the milk.....

Sh*t on the paper.......

Screwed the other three cats........

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

Put in for Workers Compensation..................and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............

 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give bl*w jobs!'

'Bl*w jobs?' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more bl*w jobs for her!

She bought the frog and went home.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ..

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're out a here.

 

DALLAS COWBOYS PRACTICE SUSPENDED

ARLINGTON --Practice at the NFL's Cowboys stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the NFL team thought it was a prank! Practice was immediately suspended, while police and Homeland Security officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Dallas Police forensic experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the GOAL LINE!!!!

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and Homeland Security decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Note: I said this before and I'll say it again. The only thing that's always good about the COWBOYS is the DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS!

 

A man is stopped by the CHP around 1 a. m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies,
“I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human bodyâ€.

The officer then asks,
“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?â€

The man replies,
“My wife.â€

 

Top TSA Slogans



Can't see London , can't see France , unless we see your underpants.

Grope discounts available.

If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first.

Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.

Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.

Throw a few back at the airport Chili's and you won't even notice.

Wanna fly? Drop your fly.

We've handled more balls than Barney Frank

We are now free to move about your pants

We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way.

It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat.

When in doubt, we make you whip it out.

TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin'

You WERE a virgin.

We handle more packages than the USPS

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes of one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

Never argue with a woman:



One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' he said and left.


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Answer To An Age Old Question.

Why are Jewish Men Circumcised

Jewish men are circumcised because –

Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 30% off.

 

A CANADIAN CHRISTMAS JOKE

'In honor of this holy season,' Saint Peter said, 'you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle,’ he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates,' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said, 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so the Christmas season begins...

 

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Italian - Throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German - Carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman - Takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - Sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - Blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian-- [/FONT]