Joke of the Day

Once in a while a clean joke comes by:

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the car over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — eyes wide and pale as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him,

"Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asks. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit — exactly 22 miles per hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" is the route number and not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be OK in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door . He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, ' Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied,
'The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get f*cked out of my peaches.'

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers...more men are riding my invention than yours!!!

 

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

 

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston '.
Saint Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it's the priest's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consult s his list.
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father.

'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.

How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.

'When you preached - people slept.

When he flew, people prayed.'

 

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? ''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Champagne, Shrimp cocktail. Lobster.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a bl*w j*b tonight.”

 

Jewish Joke of the Year


Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together,minding their own business.

 

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,

'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers,
'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 

HOMEMADE IMPLANTS

This is a little risque so if you're timid, don't watch, but YouTube allowed it.