Joke of the Day

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face
and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma
and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him
square in the eyes, spins him around, and says....................


'Geez, Grandpa....... Go home! You're drunk.'



--
Have a great day... smile often

 

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor of these brave souls'!!

The Italian from New York said, 'Why can't they frickin' play at night?

 

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08.You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

I've often been asked,

'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!

 

The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send her on a cruise.
Bobba boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.
He looked at it and said, 'Oh, I see you are on U.D.'
'U.D.?' she replied. 'Vos is U.D.?'
'U.D. is Upper Deck,' he said.
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said :
'I see, that you have an O.C.'
'An O.C.? Vos is an O.C.?' Bobba replied.
'An O.C. is an Outside Cabin.' the purser said.
Bobba, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said :
'Oh, I see that you have B.I.B.'
'B.I.B.? Vos is B.I.B.?' asked Bobba.
'B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed.' the cabin boy answered.
'Oi a meichel!' she said. 'Meine kinderlach und einiklach are vonderful.'
The next morning, bright and early: the staff came right into her room with a tray of food for her breakfast in bed.
'F.U.C.K.' she shouted.
F.U.C.K.?'
'Foist U Could Knock!' she yelled.

 

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario, Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. ​

One of them says to the barkeeper, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the ​

hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

​

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite ​

conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" ​

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year ​

and hire a car and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?" ​

Jim agrees! ​

"Ah, England !" says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, ​

the beer, the culture...' ​

"Nah, we don't like all that British crap," says John. '"Hamburgers & ​

Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - ​

they're so arrogant and rude." ​

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the barkeeper. ​

​

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive." ​

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend
trip to Louisiana.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she
hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road,
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!

 

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FB I with carrying
weapons of maths instruction.

'Let there be no doubt, al-Gebra is a problem for us all,' the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values . They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle.'

When asked to comment on the arrest, President George W. Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.


Hmmmm. I think W lost most of his fingers and toes during the wars . . .

 

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash for him.


On the robber's way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.


The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation.


He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him so the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?', calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

 

Subject: VODKA ??? For those of us who's oonly been drinking the stuff. Who knew?!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.
The stuff dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, Let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses,Simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka.
The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.

The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on wine stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.
The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle with vodka and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9 Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water into a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshing ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

THIS COULD BE A VODKA DISTILLERS PROPAGANDA