The jokes thread

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(jared2 @ Oct 6 2006, 10:34 AM) [snapback]328883[/snapback]</div>

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Well, I can't seem to come up with anything original myself, but I have a few pretty good links

http://www.markfiore.com/animation/vacation01.html

http://www.internetweekly.org/2006/10/cart...n_page_boy.html

 

You're in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Bill Gates. You have a gun with only two bullets What do you do?

A: Shoot Bill Gates twice to make SURE he's dead!

And, on a similar note -

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line. Here's the situation:

You are in Louisiana; New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high-contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

A local priest was visiting one of his elderly parishioners who had now been confined to a nursing home. As the priest sat and chatted with her, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the table, he grabbed one and ate it, well as time went by he ate another and another until the bowl was empty. Seing that he felt quite emarased and apologizing to the old lady sad "oh I'm so sorry Emma, I'm afraid I ate all your peanuts". Well, poor Emma kind old lady she was, meerly replied, "Oh that's OK father, I can no longer eat them with my false teeth being broken. I just suck the chocolate off then throw the peanut into that bowl".

 

Hmmm nothing new for a couple days...

OK here's another.

There was this neighborhood bar, and there were three patrons. The first was a bit of a yuppie type, high strung classic type A personality. The second was your average joe-lunchbox type just stoping for a cool one after work. The third, well, let's just say he appeared to be quite familar with the inside of a bar.

Well, the three of them had just gotten nice cold mugs of beer, and were about to enjoy them when a group of flies found their way into each of the three beers. Our yuppie friend then goes berzerk, shouting "what kind of place is this! I demand a new beer and it better be a clean glass too". Joe-lunchbox is watching with this display, shakes his head, picks out the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer. Our third fellow however, carefully picks up the fly by the wings, carefully holds it over his beer and shouts "Spit it out you little bugger, spit it out".

 

A man walks up to a bar with a big frog on his shoulder.
Bartender says "where'd that come from?"
Frog answers "who knows? when I woke up this morning, it was just a wart on my nice person."


Three mice walked into a bar, sat down, and started arguing about how tough they were.
Mouse #1 says he so tough, he just gonna get on the bar and demand to eat some of the cheese ball or he'll kick the bartenders butt.
Mouse #2 says he so tough he dances the Irish jig on a loaded mouse trap.
Mouse #3 get up and walks to the door. When the other mice ask him where he's going, he says that
he's going home to make love to the cat. (now that's tough) :lol:

 

Penguin walks into a bar and orders a bourbon and water.

Bartender says, "We don't get too many talking penguins in here."

Penguin takes a sip and answers, "At the prices you charge, it's no wonder!"

And....

Two guys are out in the woods and discover a deep hole in the ground. They start throwing rocks down and hear a splash far below.

One of them grabs a big log with a length of chain tied to it and throws it in. A few seconds later a black dog comes running in, fast as a rocket, and jumps in the hole.

A half hour later another guy comes by and asks if they have seen his black dog.

"Hey, I think we did. He came running over and jumped down the hole."

"Oh no," the owner says, "It can't be him. I had him tied up to this big log with a long chain."

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Alnilam @ Oct 11 2006, 02:29 AM) [snapback]331050[/snapback]</div>

Two snakes are slithering along the side of a road when one says to the other "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The second snake says, "I don't know. Why do you ask?":

The first snake replies, "I just bit my tongue!"

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(prius biker @ Oct 9 2006, 05:50 PM) [snapback]330355[/snapback]</div>

I suspect you changed the language to make it more polite for FHOP. Problem is, with the polite language it doesn't sound tough at all. Though I feel that obscenity is overused in this day and age, this joke really required the stronger word for the mouse to really sound tough.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Stev0 @ Oct 6 2006, 08:22 PM) [snapback]329306[/snapback]</div>

I'd use high-resolution digital. Then I could submit a B&W version to the regular newspapers, color to the news magazines, and an artsy manipulated version to the art magazines.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TonyPSchaefer @ Oct 11 2006, 03:01 PM) [snapback]331388[/snapback]</div>

No, I'd tell the joke as it's told above, but I'd substitute an impolite synonym for "make love." The word I'd use is much over-used, but in this case it's the one that makes the joke work.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(daniel @ Oct 11 2006, 03:57 PM) [snapback]331328[/snapback]</div>

So call me me mr sensitive

I walked into a bar last week and saw a 12" man walking up and down the bar verbally abusing everyone, blowing smoke in their faces, and drinking their beer. After getting my drink, I asked the bartender if he could tell me about the strange small man.

The bartender told me that he got lost on a desert island during a cruise and found a bottle, that turned out to have a jeannie in it. He said that the jeannie gave him three wishes. Well naturally, my first wish was to be off the island, he said - and poof - here I was back in the US of A; my second wish, he said, was to own a fabulous bar where every would have a good time - this was a life long dream. After a couple of minutes, I asked about his third wish. The bartender looked at me with sad eyes, and said I told the jeannie I wish a had a 12" prick and suddenly he shows up".