Joke of the Day

I looked for this thread but couldn't find it. Under this thread we can post jokes in one place.

Only post jokes, do not post commentary.

Heres' one that's been around but:

Understanding Engineers - One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks," Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

A bit political but:

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White
House.


He walked up to the Marine standing guard and said,
"I'd like to go in and meet with President Bush."


"Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer
resides here."


The old man said "Okay," then walked away.


The following day the same man approached the White House
and said to the same Marine, 'I'd like to go in and meet with
President Bush.'


"Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here."


The man thanked him and walked away.


The third day, the old man approached the same Marine and
said, "I'd like to go in and meet with President Bush."


"Sir, this is the third day in a row that you've
been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you every time that Mr.
Bush is no longer the president and that he no longer resides here. Don't
you understand?"


"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."


The Marine snapped to attention, saluted the old man and
said, "See you tomorrow, sir."
​

 

ITALIAN BUSINESS SCHOOL

Luigi (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son: "'I will choose my own bride!!!"
Luigi: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case... ok"

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: "'I have a husband for your daughter..."
Bill Gates: "'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Luigi: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank"
Bill Gates: "'Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president"
President: "'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Luigi: "'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law"
President: "Ah, in that case. .ok"

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

 

Here's for the ladies:

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart

A good laugh will do that for you -

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What
does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma ' And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

-----------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
* Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death. AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------- --

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
-----------------------------------------------


​

.

 

Sorry ladies, this is a blond joke

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

 

Not really a joke but,....

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The 3
brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his
secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused
and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130
degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the car off
immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the
office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but
they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million
Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on
$4 million, and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi and
Max on the controls.

Now you know.....

 

Sixty is the worst age!!

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man 'You
always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand
in front of the toilet and nothing happens.'

'Ah, that's nothin',' said the 70-year-old. 'When
you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing
happens.'

'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of
all.'

'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.

'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all.'

'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'

'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'

'I don't wake up till 7:00.'

 

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains t hat the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

 

I (age 72) got pulled over for speeding the other night...

I said: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Sir, you were speeding."

I said: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your drivers license please?"

"I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one?"

"I lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving".

Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please".

"I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"
"I stole this car."

Officer: "You stole it?"

"Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what???"

"His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looked at me and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

I stepped out of the vehicle.

"Is there a problem officer? I said."

Officer 2: "Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please?".

I stepped around and opened the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty compartment.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, sir?"

"Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "Do you have a drivers license.?"

I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and handed it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you sir. That office over there told me you didn't have a license,
that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner and put him in the trunk."

"Bet that liar told you I was speeding, too!".

 

Thanks Rae,
Here's something Irish:

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft..

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet
suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of
the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and
begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten
how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's
Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the
gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man
and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there
too!"

 

A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.

Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size brass statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the brass rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar for the story," said the owner.

The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be bringing it back."

As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor.

He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor
as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're back for the story!"

"Actually no," said the man. "I came back here to buy a little brass lawyer."


MY APOLOGIES TO THOSE OF YOU IN THE LEGAL BUSINESS. SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE ATTORNEYS.

 

Why We Love Children ...

1. NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4. MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5. POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6. POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7. ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8.DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9. DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

10. SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk

11. BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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