Hear any good jokes lately?

from another person: (not my joke)

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I am so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is
dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you
haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put is front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful
cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak
to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet
looked at the woman and said' I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his
computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill which he handed to
the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$650!", she
cried. "$650 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm
sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50. But
what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

 

:mrgreen:



Its not a joke but it sure does fit in with this site..... Opec..grant me the faith to believe in high gas mileage. The courage to refuel rarely. And the wisdom to know when i've pumped enough.




THE GASAHOLIC'S MANTRA




kinda thought about it being on the rear window of my car so the suv drivers have something to think about as we sit in traffic. :mrgreen:

 

A friend of mine runs a joke/pun weblog. He quoted:

February 2, 2005 was Groundhog Day, and was the date of the State of the Union address.

As pointed out by Air America Radio...
"What an ironic juxtaposition:
one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to
a creature of little intelligence for prognostication
and the other involves a groundhog."

 

Stop me if you've heard this one...

OH WAIT... you CAN'T.... Muahahahaha!


Two goldfish are in their tank.
One says to the other...
"You drive, I'll fire the guns"

OH yeah... feel the burn.....

 

http://www.monolithcreative.com/annoy/

 

First St. Patrick's Joke of the Day:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

 

:lol:

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bookrats\";p=\"73264)</div>

An old groaner...

What did the Scotsman do with his first fifty cent piece?....

(yeah, a 100 year old joke)...

He married her!

(well, a hundred years ago that was funny...)

 

"So, let's all raise our glasses to Gort!
She's a bit too far East for a port..."

For the rest of the song, click the title below. The music of "Molly and the Tinker" brings a smile whenever I need it. And a happy day to yaas all!

[Edited to add and clean up the link.]
Gort by Brian Leo

And you'd also like "We're All in This Together," even though it's not about a Prius.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(heliotropehead\";p=\"73211)</div>

i get the parody but WHY!?

 

Why did I share it or why was it made? It's FHOP, anything goes!

 

Mmmmm.. pancakes...

 

Dick jokes at my mates web site
www.playingwithfire.org (warning may offend some people)

 

http://www.monolithcreative.com/taco/