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Farewells and Goodnights

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by Rae Vynn, Aug 30, 2010.

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  1. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    I got a call from my sister. My mother died on Thursday.

    She's already cremated and, I assume, sprinkled somewhere. No service, no memorial, no 'fuss', as was her wish. None of us were told until it was all over.

    I'm not sure how I am.
     
    #1 Rae Vynn, Aug 30, 2010
  2. qbee42

    qbee42 My other car is a boat

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    I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a hug.

    Tom
     
    #2 qbee42, Aug 30, 2010
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  3. jayman

    jayman Senior Member

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    Rae

    I am very sorry for your loss

    Both of my parents had similar last wishes: no service, no fuss, no muss, cremation, etc.

    Since I was the only kid, the executor, power of attorney, etc, that fell upon me to take care of things. Went as well as could be expected, only immediate family and the closest of friends paid their respects, again as my folks requested

    This will be a difficult time for you. Although the sense of loss will never go away, in time you will be able to understand this and properly deal with the emotions

    Once again, am very sorry for your loss

    jay
     
    #3 jayman, Aug 30, 2010
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  4. KK6PD

    KK6PD _ . _ . / _ _ . _

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    Really sorry to hear that. Time will help!
     
    #4 KK6PD, Aug 30, 2010
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  5. Bica2go

    Bica2go New Member

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    Rae Vyn, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was a surprise to you. It seems she went the way she wanted and that's important as hard as it is for you. Would it help you to get some friends together who knew her and have an informal dinner or gathering to remember her? When my parents passed and my FIL too, folks got together and shared stories, some very funny. My sober sides brother thought we were awful for laughing so much, oh well. It became a celebration of life, warts and all, and was a nice way to say good-bye. Since I'm on the other coast, I'm sending you a big virtual hug and hope it helps. O
     
    #5 Bica2go, Aug 30, 2010
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  6. F8L

    F8L Protecting Habitat & AG Lands

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    My thoughts are with you Rae Vyn... :(
     
    #6 F8L, Aug 30, 2010
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  7. teeasal

    teeasal New Member

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    Rae Vyn, tears of sadness will heal you in time (I still feel the healing power of the once-in-a-while tears even though both my parents departed over a decade ago). May you wear your smile soon enough knowing your mother has gone from this wicked place called earth to a much better "heaven".

    I have the highest regard for those who wish no fuss to be made about their funerals.
    We are wasting too much resources on this earth as it is, why waste even more when we're departed?

    Tat Lau
     
    #7 teeasal, Aug 30, 2010
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  8. Ryanpl

    Ryanpl Active Member

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    Rae Vyn, I noticed you're a Vegan Witch so I asked and was told this is the right thing to say, may your mother rest in the arms of the goddess.
     
    #8 Ryanpl, Aug 30, 2010
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  9. TonyPSchaefer

    TonyPSchaefer Your Friendly Moderator
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    I've met you; you're fabulous!

    My wife and I both explicitly list our desire for cremation in our wills. We've also talked about slipping quietly away with no muss or fuss as your mother did. From our perspectives, it seems like a quiet and simple way to go. We try to live in a way that creates no disruption to others' lives and we see no reason to create a disturbance on the way out.

    However, thinking of your mother, I now realize that we have to consider the impact we would cause by trying to not cause an impact.

    My thoughts are with you as you work through the loss of your mother and I thank you for sharing with us. You have given me much to think about.
     
    #9 TonyPSchaefer, Aug 30, 2010
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  10. Stev0

    Stev0 Honorary Hong Kong Cavalier

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    I'm sorry about your loss.
     
    #10 Stev0, Aug 30, 2010
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  11. spiderman

    spiderman wretched

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    Sorry you didn't have a chance to be with her in the end.
     
    #11 spiderman, Aug 30, 2010
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  12. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    Thank you, all.

    Slipping away without fuss sounds like the nice, neat, low-impact way to go, yes. However, it leaves the rest of us without a sense of closure.

    My mother does not have a grave I can visit to say goodbye.

    Complicating matters, I have no easy way to locate/contact my stepdad, to extend my condolences to him. I just tried the phone number of a family friend, and it is no longer a working number. I was told last night that, apparently, my stepdad is heading into the hospital himself for some sort of surgery, and I have no idea which hospital, or for what, and I do know that losing mom will have completely sucked all the will to live from him. They were so very, very close.

    I just needed to reach out to my friends for comfort. Thank you, every one of you, for being there. :hug:
     
    #12 Rae Vynn, Aug 30, 2010
  13. Mark57

    Mark57 2021 Tesla Model 3 LR AWD

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    I'm very sorry for your loss.

    Though there's no physical grave, a part of her will always live on with you in your thoughts and your heart.
     
    #13 Mark57, Aug 30, 2010
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  14. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    #14 hyo silver, Aug 30, 2010
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  15. bisco

    bisco cookie crumbler

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    thoughts and prayers...
     
    #15 bisco, Aug 30, 2010
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  16. qbee42

    qbee42 My other car is a boat

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    Her spirit lives inside of you. If you need a physical manifestation, find something on which to project your feelings. Anything will work, as long as it feels right to you: an object, a location, even a song. Let it channel the spirit as you say your goodbyes.

    Tom
     
    #16 qbee42, Aug 30, 2010
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  17. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    I just found her obit online... she died on the 19th.

    It's a bit more complex than losing a parent generally is. Her last words to me, several years ago, were "I'm really disappointed in you"... that isn't why it's complex, lots of parents/kids have issues.

    Anyway, there it is.
     
    #17 Rae Vynn, Aug 30, 2010
  18. hyo silver

    hyo silver Awaaaaay

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    Your life is yours to live as you choose. Don't let her issues become yours.
     
    #18 hyo silver, Aug 30, 2010
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  19. bisco

    bisco cookie crumbler

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    you can't change the past, but you can effect the future. get some professional help or find someone who has had a similar experience. there are a lot of support groups out there. you can't live your life the way someone else wants you to. most of us spend years trying to be different from our parents. hopefully better, but when my kids make decisions i don't agree with, i hope i can love them beyond and despite that.
     
    #19 bisco, Aug 30, 2010
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  20. JimboPalmer

    JimboPalmer Tsar of all the Rushers

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    Firstly, Hug! I wish you well.

    My mother had brain cancer for 9 months and asked me to remove her from the hospital and get all her family home for Mother's Day, 2000. She died on the Tuesday after, at 2 AM. She had them get a salad shooter and spread her ashes on the way to Lake Sylvia. (you can't be spread AT Lake Sylvia or any other WA State Park.)

    I also hope to be spread near Lake Sylvia, but have written my last wishes so that my wife can keep an Urn as long as she needs, then spread when it serves her best.

    In Mississippi, I have no legal right to specify how I am to be disposed of. So I used a Colorado form that seemed to me to be simple and readable.

    http://www.funerals.org/affiliatere...rado-disposition-wishes-and-agent-declaration
     
    #20 JimboPalmer, Aug 30, 2010
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