Drivers' Ten Commandments - Annotated

When the Vatican issued its "Drivers’ Ten Commandments,†it left a few questions as to how the declarations should be interpreted. Like, what exactly does "kill" mean in "you shall not kill"? Not one to be at a loss for answers, we turned to some of our crack lawyers to provide the exact meanings behind the Vatican's declarations. So for those who have been wondering, here are the drivers' ten commandments, as issued by the Vatican, and the legal meanings behind them:

I. You shall not kill.

Road kill. Avoid running over deer, rabbits, cats, dogs, skunks and other four-legged creatures. Two-legged creatures are to be avoided as well.

II. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

See No. I. Just because they don't die doesn't make it okay.

III. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

Lay off the horn, lay off the liquor (or any other controlled substances), don't recline your seatbacks too much, and make sure you had plenty of sleep before getting behind the wheel.

IV. Be charitable and help your neighbour in need, especially victims of accidents.

The one redeeming use of cell phones in the car: Call in for help.

V. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

Avoid muscle cars, sport cars, sport sedans, tuners, hot rods, SUVs, and big trucks. Hybrids will tend to make you smug, so avoid those as well. Recommended transportation: Mercury Grand Marquis, Ford Crown Victoria, most Buicks and other vehicles where the median buying age is over 60 years old.

VI. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

In other words, don't ever let them drive.

VII. Support the families of accident victims.

Send donations to MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers), RAADD (Recording Artists Against Drunk Drivers), ATLA (Association of Trial Lawyers in America), or other similar groups.

VIII. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

It's called a tort claim, and the trial lawyers are especially pleased with this one.

IX. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

Despite the natural tendency to do the opposite, drivers of large SUVs should be especially courteous when driving next to smaller vehicles. Of course, if it's mano-a-mano with another large SUV, all bets are off.

X. Feel responsible towards others.

That gas-guzzling, global-warming Hummer H1 you've had your eye on? You may need to deep six that fantasy. Of course, you can always do what The Governator did, and have it run on hydrogen fuel cells. But, then again, watch out for smug pollution (see Commandment No. V).

Back Seat Driving


A violation of Commandment No. V