I’m thinking of leaving my wife….

worked good for me when i went to school in orlando. had a small apt there, drove home on friday afternoon, back on sunday night. had real quality time at home with the kids on weekends and saved lots of fuel and expenses.

 

I think that it is okay on a short term basis (no more than a year maybe?), and after that you'd probably want to find a city that is good for both of you and search for jobs that way.

Also, it depends on how your wife feels! If you both go into this with a positive attitude, then it has a chance of working out well. Make sure the weekends when you do see each other are special, though!

 

Back when I was in California, I lived in the East Bay and worked in the South Bay, which was an hour and a half going there and and hour back (yay flex time). It wasn't fun but it worked (yay high MPG vehicles).

 

Evan, i see the "family man" talking here...but the "green" in you needs to step up!!

that will still be $150 in gas (assuming two Priuses...more if wife drives something else) so more home time, but now more than an hour one way commute for two people instead of one.

i did the commute thing for around 6 months. was living in Olympia and working outside Portland OR...with traffic, it was close to three hours in the morning, 2½ hours at night. there was around 60 of us doing it, on a 24/6 day week basis with sunday off. 6 of us rented an apartment, 3 on days 3 on nights, there was never all 6 at home since we relieved each other, so it was a cheap solution that worked well, only thing was, we were working 12 hours 3 days a week. so much more home time... only bummer was Wednesday or thurdays (i worked either wed-friday or thurs-sat on alternating weeks) because i would drive in that morning so had to leave Olympia at 4 AM...long day

jh: so i think your solution is a good one although with obvious drawbacks. only other thing i would consider if available and it sounds likes its not. but looking at mass transit. so you dont have to drive, see if you can get any extra work done while riding... but rare to have anything going early enough to get there...chalk that up to cheap gas...

 

I have some good friends who's parents currently do this. The wife/mother is a professor at a university and the husband/father is retired. I've often wondered why they both don't move to where the wife is, but they have a family home and small farm that they both think of as "home" where the husband/father lives. It works very well for them, but I think it really depends on individual circumstances and personalities. A huge factor for them is that their kids are grown; I'm not sure they would do it if that weren't the case. Another big thing is that, since she's a professor, she can arrange often her class schedule such that she only needs to physically be at the university on Mon-Wed.

In the end, I think it comes down to the individual personalities of the people doing this. Personally, I would be OK with it, but I know that my better half would not be pleased so, therefore, I know we would never do this.

 

One way you might test this idea without having to sign a lease for an apartment would be to look in the area of your current job for a long stay hotel on the order of a Residence Inn. You might be able to get a fairly reasonable monthly rate, and it would let the two of you test this new model.

With such a major lifestyle change it might be difficult to anticipate how you will both react.

Good luck!

 

i guess the real thing you need to look at is how willing, if at all, is the wife to looking for another job in another city where more opportunities are available to both involved...

now you say you moved there, it sounds like you dont have deep ties to the area like family, etc.

but then again, if this is the wife's once in a lifetime dream job... well, that makes it tough. that is what im guessing. from your post, having her relocate her job does nt seem to be an option

 

Talk to your wife. And kids if you have them. Make it a family decision.

My Dad did this for several years. He's an electrical engineer and after the market slumped he got a job in....the next state. He communted from San Diego, CA to Ft. Huachuca, AZ.

He worked out a schedule with his boss to work 4 days a week, 10 hour days. So still 40 hr work week. He commuted home on weekends and sometimes every other week.

He eventually got a job in L.A. Much shorter commute but still a killer during rush. So again....4 days week. He shared an apt. with a guy he worked with three nights a week. He'd drive home Thursday night and then drive back up early Monday morning.

He did this for several years also.

 

I like your thread title jh, it's certainly going to get people's attention!

When I lived in NYC, SWMBO worked in Rhode Island during summers and she stayed there during the week. It worked well for us then. We both had more time to focus on some of our own projects, and we really appreciated seeing each other on weekends.

We have a 1 year-old girl now, and I would hate to do the same thing. I think it's really critical for both of us to be there with her whenever possible. Neither of us has a commute like that to face anymore, but that's largely by choice. SWMBO still works out of state for part of the year, but it's ~50 miles instead of ~200, and it's a total of maybe 60 days/year.

So, I think it partly depends on if you have "family" plans, what your respective ages are, and all sorts of other personal things that only the two of you know. I certainly second the suggestion that you try it out, either in a hotel, or stay with a friend or coworker in that area for a short while.

p.s. I just read your last post... it sounds like you're only listing "pros" not "cons", and the last little kicker you add is that the rent would be less than the cost of gas to drive. It sounds like you've sort of made the decision and just want a nudge. I say give it a shot. The worst that can happen is that you change your mind!

p.p.s. When the weather is good, do that twice-weekly ride on your bike. You'll get yourself into GREAT shape and you'll love the personal time with the wind in your face!

 

Then do it, and definitely ride a bike on the long commute.

We didn't do the weekdays-apart thing for more than just summer months for 2 years, so we didn't strain our relationship to the breaking point... then again, we've been together 14 years (married 4), and have had much more stressful things happen to test our relationship. So in my case, no there were no real drawbacks to the arrangement, and we both appreciated the time apart. As a side benefit, our weekend reunions got a little steamy, so that was something to look forward to. :kiss:

 

Do either of you have any flexibility in your schedule? Can you go from 5, 8 hour days to 4, 10 hour days? Less commute time that way. Some companies in my area are switching to a 4 day work week because of the high gas prices.

 

wow $380 a month?? i cant even rent a garage for that much...bottom of the line rent way beyond the outskirts of town would be around $550...(i did a search in 3 local listings...to be honest with ya, i didnt know there would be anything as low as that...in town, one bedrooms are around $725)

considering the price of gas, i would do it. get a cellphone with unlimited mins between phones on account (dont think there is one that does not offer that any more) call each other...talk for an hour every night to catch up. we used to do it. watch the same thing on tv and comment on it... almost like being there.

to be honest with ya. on my commuting experience. before the 6 month out of town thing, i worked the same 12 hour shift for 2 years and i only had about 2 hours at the most with family on days i worked anyway. even with a new baby (not the last one, the first one... he 12 now) there was just too little time left when after combining commuting time and 8 hours of sleep (IF i got that much) there is only 3 hours left anyway.

in that 3 hours, i had to get up in the morning, shower, go to work. leave house at 6:30 AM...then get home at 7:30 PM, eat dinner, take shower (most of the time, especially in summer) then boom, its an hour to bedtime...

keep an eye out for something local... give it time. something will probably come up. right now is not the best job market

 

It sounds like what you'd save in gas more than covers the apt. plus some left over.

Have a long talk with your wife. The quality of your time together on the weekends may more than make up for those 8 hours you'd lose during the week.

 

The last two put more clearly into writing something I felt but probably didn't describe: The commute and the details of daily life can take up all your free time and actually create a stressful time at home during a crazy commute week... then weekends get blown just trying to defuse the tension that your crazy work and commute hours create.

So staying near work during the week could actually make it easier. You both get time to yourselves, and you don't feel pressure to rush home right when the whistle blows and speed all the way just to get an extra 5 miserable minutes before you lose consciousness and repeat the cycle the next day.

Sorry, I'm doing a lousy job of listing possible negatives to this plan.

 

DH is moving away next month to finish up his education so we're facing something similar.

he is going to a school that's approximately 3.5 hours away from where we currently live, which is the nearest school that offers his major. he has been doing his prerequisites and gen ed stuff here and transferring credits each semester to prolong our time together. moving to a halfway point isn't an option, as i'm approaching the end of my own education. (i say that with fingers crossed and breath held, but that's another story.) i am being sucked into the vortex of perpetual productivity (phdcomics reference, anyone?) and don't have much time for driving.

he can't spend 7 hours/day on the road. that's ridiculous. so he's moving in with family that's 1.5 hours away on the other side and enjoying his time with them (they're octogenarian grandparents) and earning his keep by helping take care of the family home. he will only be home on weekends to see me. we have done distance once before for about 5 months, and this is expected to be a 6-7 month thing. it took us a while to settle into the idea, but it came down to the question of what is reasonable.

if you're both willing to make it work, you can do it. just do what is best for both of you, and make sure you're on the same page. best of luck with your decision, j