Laughter Is The Best Medicine

Yours reminded me of this one, Gadgetdad--

From Shane Claiborne's book, "Jesus for President," a great read for anyone who considers themselves Christian, as well as for those who've discarded the idea....

It was a rather busy day at the Pearly Gates and Peter's assistants were becoming a bit flustered. The numbers just weren't matching up. Heaven's population was continuing to run ahead of what they had been checking off in "the book." So Peter sent one of the angels to see if she could find out what was going on. A while later she returned saying she had discovered the source of their problem, "Jesus is out back helping people up over the wall!"

PA P

 

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in
the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the @#$% dishes!'

 

Apparently, this began with George Bernard Shaw, who asked a society lady if she'd sleep with him for a million pounds (worth five million dollars then, which would probably be a hundred million in today's dollars). She said yes. Then he asked if she'd sleep with him for one pound (or some very low number). Followed by the last two lines above: "What kind of a woman do you think I am?" and George Bernard Shaw's famous line (but apparently not famous enough, or nobody would have told it as a cabbie joke, because it's much better when it's a wealthy high-society lady): "We've already established what kind of a woman you are. Now we're just haggling over the price.

 

I feel like Edna sometimes myself...

The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad newsâ€.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health day!

 

(This has a bad word in it, used mostly politely. Delete it if you feel it's necessary.)

When we bought our house, one of the now-former-resident cats decided to stay. His name was Tigger, but we often referred to him as "the cat who came with the house." The owners moved not very far away, and Tigger was right there on our back steps every morning. He'd come in and make himself at home - which to him it was - and his people would have to call at night for me to send him home. I'd say "I'll check on the porch", with Tigger on my lap the whole time, smiling away. I swear he would purr even louder, knowing who was calling. After a couple of years, they decided to move again, this time across the country. It was difficult for both of us to say goodbye, having become such close friends. At the going-away party, I said to the husband: "I've never said this to a man before, but I'm going to miss your pussy." ound:

 

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

 

Mrs. Jones was a very dedicated 4th grade teacher, one school year she was thinking of ways her class would have better retention of the class material. She then came up with the "Question of the week", every Friday, the last thing of the day, she would ask the question of the week which pertained to this weeks subject matter. The first student with the correct answer would be excused from school the following Monday.
Well Johnny was a bright boy and usually knew the correct answer, but he could never get it out first, someone else would always beat him by a second or two. This was becoming quite frustrating for our lad Johnny.
One Thursday evening Johnny was thinking and thinking about how he could be first with the answer to tomorrows question of the week. Then he saw two ping pong balls, picking them up he gets a black marker and colors them both black and brings them to school on Friday. Hiding the two black ping pong balls in his desk he waited patiently through the day. With the end of the day at hand Mrs Jones turns to her class and proclaims:
"Alright class, it's that time of the week again, everyone get ready for the question of the week"
Johnny reaches in his desk and get hold of the two ping pong balls.
"here it is class, the question of the week" proclaims Mrs Jones
Johnny then hurls the two balls to the front of the classroom, with the ping pong balls bouncing everywhere, Mrs Jones shouts:
"Alright, who's the wise guy with the black balls!"
Instantly Johnny jumps to his feet and shouts "Barack Obama, see you Tuesday!" as he exits from the room.

 

The teacher told her class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description.

She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have in my hands."

First the teacher said, "I'm holding something long, yellow and fairly hard, what is it?"

Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her.
"It’s a banana", replied Sally.
"Nope, it’s a squash" said the teacher, "But I like your thinking.

Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?"
Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him.
"It’s an apple" says Billy.
"Nope, it’s an tomato" says the teacher, "but I like your thinking."

Dirty Johnny raises his hand so the teacher reluctantly calls on him and says, "Yes Johnny?"
"Well Ms. Smith, I have a question for you too" says Dirty Johnny.
"Ohh kay..." says the worried teacher.

Reaching into his pocket, Dirty Johnny says "I'm massaging something in my pants that's short and stiff and has a pink tip."

"OH NO....!!!" exclaims the teacher.
"Nope", says Dirty Johnny, "It's a pencil" ...but I like your thinking."

ZC1

 

My favorite Churchill involved him drinking.

Something to the effect of a woman scolding him for being drunk. He told her that he may be drunk, but she was ugly and in the morning he'd be sober.

 

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.
The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt.
So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this!
He walks up to the new bird and says, 'So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.'
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on', he said, 'and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!'
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch.
The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.
He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

'Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.

ZC1

 

Article from the Miami Herald, June 1998
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife worked in the kitchen. He was gunning the engine when the bike somehow lurched forward with the man still holding on. The bike crashed through the glass patio doors and ran into a wall, leaving the man cut and bruised on the living room floor. The man's wife called for an ambulance and then, since they lived on a fairly steep hill, went down several flights of stairs to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the woman up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, the wife cleaned it up with paper towels, which she then threw in the toilet.

The man was treated and released from the hospital. When he arrived home and saw the broken patio doors and damaged motorcycle, he became despondent and went into the bathroom and sat on the john to think for a while. He then lit a cigarette and tossed the match down between his legs into the toilet bowl.

The wife heard the explosion and her husband screaming and ran in to find him lying face down with burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin. The paramedics loaded the man and started back down the stairs while the wife tried to explain what had happened. The paramedics got to laughing so hard that the one walking backwards lost his footing.
The gurney tilted and the patient slid off and rolled the rest of the way down the stairs breaking his arm!
Now, has your day really been all that bad?

 

Two men in church one sunday sat beside one a nother and one noticed the black eye on the otherand asked how he got the black eye,
He said this large lady in front of them stood up to sing and her dress was caught in her "cheeks" so I just tugged it out and she hit me.
That explains one eye but how did you get the other
Well I thought she liked her dress that way so I just put it back.