Is it selfish to not want more kids?

Just to make a point... between DH and myself, we have 6 kids.
2 are "mine", and the younger 4 are "his"... ages 30 to 19

I was a stay-home mom, homeschooled for 11 years, was a very conservative, right-wing, book-thumping [insert religion here]. Very submissive to the "head of the family"...

My kids did NOT turn out well.

My DH, on the other hand, had to work to support him and his kids when his first wife walked out. (he worked before that, too, of course... often two jobs)
The youngest, twins, were 11 when I married him. I have worked most of the time we've been married ( 8 years yesterday! ), and I am a working woman now (I have a career in the computer industry)...
HIS kids are all great. Why?

RESPECT. They were raised in an atmosphere of RESPECT, and mutual assistance, and being listened to, rather than an atmosphere of "traditional family values" as mine were.

Yes, I feel that it is the one major difference. If I were to suddenly start raising children again, I wouldn't really go out of my way to be a stay-home mommy, as I don't think that it makes much of a difference. What makes a difference, is how the children are regarded, and whether or not they are respected as PEOPLE, with feelings, intellect, and free wills of their very own.

Okay, that's enough out of me

 

My previous post ("So why would anyone seek an answer to that question by posting it on FHOP?") was said half in jest, but really, this is a personal decision. If you want to have children and you are capable of supporting them, then it's no one else's business. If everyone followed the advice of those here who preach that having any children at all is a selfish act and an assault on the planet, then the human race would become extinct. And heaping guilt on a mother because she works outside of the home is not only mean, but both unfair at a time when economic conditions often require that both parents work, and irrelevant in the 21st century when women are no longer regarded as just homemakers and baby-machines. Some of the responses here were incredibly sanctimonious.

 

Some may think it selfish to have children at all.

Why have your own kids, when there are so many "throw away" children in the world who need homes?

People used to have kids to help out with the chores on the farms.

Why have them at all in today's world? To keep the universe populated?

But then again, who am I to comment? I am the truly selfish one because I never wanted to have any children at all, and still don't!

Net, net...it's all subjective, and it's more about your convictions, values, etc.

What I think is important than the number is...if you are going to choose to have kids, make sure you have the time and energy to spend with them, and try your best to ensure that they grow up to be responsible citizens.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(eagle33199 @ May 23 2007, 10:00 AM) [snapback]448117[/snapback]</div>

This was a great point and one I didn't mention initially. I forgot about the 'other' transplants in our county that would be the Puerto Ricans. Our great 'city' of lancaster was once a pillar of society, now you seriously need to speak a second langauge just to make a purchase in town. Many of these people came here legally I'm sure to start a new life...the problem is many more so come here without the proper channels, they just fly in and live with family and take jobs from people who are rightful citizens of our country. But that's another discussion altogether...

Rae Vynn mentioned being home schooled...this is another issue I have. Out here I have met several home schooled children and parents of...even helped a few out and I can honestly say this is a huge mistake to do to your children. Unless of course you intended to shed some level of society on them, and no I don't mean church and Sunday school once a week. I mean having them interact with other non home schooled children out there....get them invloved in events outside your church. Because if they get out into the real world (I say this because I have met parents that literally keep their children a prisoner of the house)without any real social interaction its a disaster waiting to happen. This really seems to be more of a problem with religious zealots out there that feel they 'have' to bring their children up how they were raised. This narrow minded thinking is of the same tone as 'its god will I have 10 kids'. Wake up to the world around you, the universe is not composed of only your piece of the world.

Also I mentioned before my wife chose her work to make a difference. She works a second job instructing families on ways to be a parent (or better parent) to their kids. Many of these people have lost their kids to Children in Youth or a similar agency and must take the class to get back in their lives. Want to know what she sees a lot of? Parents who have lost their kids that are pregnant again.... Seriously there ought to be a law regarding this....

I know I have alot of issues... But it all stems from a common theme. People need to wake up and realize our planet does not have infinite space. At some point we are going to exhaust our resources with the population rising to where it is. Since colonizing other planets is not in the future we need to do as much as possible to preserve our home before we exhaust its ability to support life. Its coming, maybe not in our lifetime, but who knows perhaps in our childrens...

 

Home schools, at least where I come from, aren't necessarily religious. They give kids who are unable to attend 'regular' school a chance to continue their education.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(hyo silver @ May 24 2007, 10:47 AM) [snapback]449022[/snapback]</div>

There has been a significant trend in home-schooling in this country. Back in the 1960s-70s, home-schooling was regarded as a counterculture endeavor; parents at that time rebelled at what they considered the overly structured prescribed school curriculum, and wanted to provide their children with a more creative educational experience. These days, its almost synonomous with religious education. That doesn't mean that everyone who home-schools their kids does it in order to provide a faith-based education, of course, but that seems to be the overwhelming reason. I know several families who do home-schooling, and religion is the reason for all of them. I wonder if it is different in Canada?

 

Home schooling, done right, is a wonderful thing. Done wrong, it is a problem, yes.
Unfortunately, it is being done both ways. On the other hand, it is one of our precious freedoms to be able to make that sort of decision.

My homeschooled children, btw, were very active in the community, had many friends of all ages and backgrounds, and were very good at socialization with anyone. There were many public school children in their circle that were much more shy, uneasy interacting with other age groups (like the elderly), and could not deal with people with disabilities... all things that my kids were great with.

Unfortunately, being raised with strict gender roles, and limited opportunities for post-secondary education, did adversely affect them.
My husband's children were always raised with the attitude of, "hey, you can do anything, and you can become anything you want"... with no limitations, and no ridicule (subtle, but always present in the narrow society my kids were raised in).

It isn't where they go to school, it is how they are schooled.
It isn't whether there is a stay-home parent, it is whether there is healthy parenting.
It isn't how many children you have, it is how you raise them... for some, one is way too many, for others, 6 is too few.

However, the earth needs a bit of a break... so I vote for less kids overall

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rae Vynn @ May 24 2007, 11:17 AM) [snapback]449049[/snapback]</div>

Very well put, especially the way you phrased the last part!

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(galaxee @ May 23 2007, 02:41 PM) [snapback]448365[/snapback]</div>

Um. Yeah. Maybe something else, unless you're going to share office space with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe...

 

Gotta love Click and Clack!

Home schooling: Many do this for the tax break. Usually people who do also wish to have religious schooling, but don't want to pay for it. This way they get the religious schooling and a tax credit. I don't have a problem with it, provided the parent staying home knows how to teach and finds ways to ensure the children get PLENTY of social interaction through other means.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VABeachPrius @ May 25 2007, 02:57 PM) [snapback]449987[/snapback]</div>

Pffftt!! You caused no discomfort nor hate. Your question was not inflammatory nor troll-like; the subject itself is controversial, to be sure, and such topics bring out both the best and worst in people. Any hate or discomfort are self-owned.

Nice energy screen!

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VABeachPrius @ May 25 2007, 02:57 PM) [snapback]449987[/snapback]</div>

Hey, no problem- you didn't cause any hate and discontent. Besides, that is what FHOP is here for! Good luck with your family, whatever you decide to do.
82.8 average MPG- what are you doing; driving downhill all the way with a tailwind?

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Rae Vynn @ May 24 2007, 11:17 AM) [snapback]449049[/snapback]</div>

There...fixed it for you.

Many public schools are really horrible, and are barely teaching basic exit requirement for high school. When university students are unable to form basic paragraphs, I blame the schools, which are overwhelmingly public. Schools have also become little indoctrination centers, of either the left or right variety.

Of course, those mini-adult failures did have parents that facilitated their descent into academic hell.

Also, those who are really push for less people do not seem so apt to lean in and take one for the team and remove themselves from the planet/energy use equation.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VABeachPrius @ May 21 2007, 12:18 PM) [snapback]446746[/snapback]</div>

Nope, and I applaud you! The world has become over populated, and eventually will cause widespread problems for all. My wife and I also decided to stop at two, for us as a husband and wife, she has a 12YO from a previous screw up(her words, and if you were to know this other person, you would agree as well), so we have a total of 3. We decided that a boy and a girl for us is enough and as of two weeks ago, my wife has had her tubes tied. My daughter is nearing her terrible twos stage, playpens come in handy! It ticks me off when I hear about people having their 5th or 6th child, that is selfishness right there. The other day I saw a story of a 60YO giving birth to twins, after having invitro done. She already had three kids! That is just plain wrong. Enjoy the two that you have(having), forget about the money and whatever else, and just be good to your children, teach them well, let them grow up eyes wide open so that when they become adults, they too can make sensible decisions like yours.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TonyPSchaefer @ May 29 2007, 10:37 AM) [snapback]451440[/snapback]</div>

A-freakin'-MEN! If you're ever at the Jersey Shore and want to hang out with another cheerfully child-free couple, look me up.

 

Having kids as they say is a personal choice. My sister is the only one in our family who's married with two boys (and a third on the way--finally a girl). And I am quite proud of her.

I am 30 years old and the oldest in my family, and I am single and of course no kids. And as a personal note, I don't really have a desire to have any; they're just too much work (and a big drain on the wallet). Spending time with my two nephews pretty much tells me that it takes alot of energy and patience to raise kids. I'm just too used to having my freedoms to do what I want to do w/o any restrictions. And with the many hobbies I have (expensive ones at that), having a family would make my hobbies almost impossible. Selfish? Some may say yes, but it's my life, not theirs. You only have one life to live on this earth so may as well enjoy it as much as possible.

If anything happened to me, all of my stuff I would simply pass on to my youngest brother, so if he ever had any kids one day, he could pass that stuff to them in time. I know there are many people that say there's something wrong with you if you aren't married or have any kids, or they accuse you of being gay (which is really an immature statement).

I have no problem remaining a bachelor for my remaining years.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TonyPSchaefer @ May 29 2007, 10:37 AM) [snapback]451440[/snapback]</div>

:lol:

GREAT response.