Social/Work Faux Pas?

Can't be any help to you

I am a 72 year old white male and would be considered horribly inappropriate in America these days because of my age and ethnicity.

 

There is a big difference between a fine bottle-o-hooch arriving in the mail on the porch and somebody pushing it on you a glass at a time at a company function.

In other words there's room for this to be totally fine, or totally inappropriate according to this 50+ working guy.

I don't know you or your daughter, but I'd hazard a guess that she was more troubled that you remembered and thought to mention that co-worker at all, rather than the details of the interaction.

 

OMWM and a Southern Baptist who grew up in bourbon country, and a retired US Navy Chief, with 32 years of Sexual Harassment (prevention) Training, followed by many more years of civilian 'equality in the workplace.' training, seminars, workshops, death by PowerPoint, and other forms of indoctrination.

So....
I do not say this lightly, because it's not often true but in this case, your baby girl is wrong.
You probably WILL want to listen to her in other areas where the male of the species is inadequately equipped.

There appears to be no ethical issues here, from what we know.
Your co-worker is a biological female, even west of the Rockies.
HOWEVER (comma!)
My superbly calibrated Spidey senses aren't tingling about you trying to operate out of your depth band.
You said 'a glass' (singular) every now and then and 'once or twice a year.'

If your co-worker is a Southern Baptist, and she uncorks a bottle of single barrel that gets replenished every 6-12 months?
She wouldn't be the only one in her congregation, statistically and I seem to remember the circumstances surrounding the first public miracle in the Christian bible involved somebody playing bartender at a wedding....
Trust me.
Single women with special needs children can smell somebody using their kid for their own interests from WAAAAY over the horizon, and the fact that you maintained a long term, cordial working relationship and she was comfortable with you spending some time with her child speaks volumes.

If your daughter would not have had a problem with you giving her theater tickets once a year but does have a problem with the hooch - then that's a 'her' issue, not a 'them' issue.
Same goes if the bottle would be more appropriate for a woman 20 yeard older than you rather than the other way around.

My call.
Street Price: used to be two cents, but in today's economy probably more like $0.40,

 

They drank wine 2000 years ago because the water wasn’t all that pure. In church it represents the blood of Jesus. Mine uses some kind of fruit juice or something. Or did, stopped going to public church. In no way was alcoholism being promoted by Jesus.

 

Malcom is both right and wrong.
If you're an ASECDEF guzzling umbrella drinks in the Carribean, while your boss is in ICU, then drink the cheap stuff.

However (comma!!!) If you're sipping two fingers of single malt or single barrel and you give people like me the stank eye for trying to sneak an ice cube into the glass - then.....oh heck YES.
Price matters, because then it's a taste thing rather than drinking for effect....unless it's Vodka, which in the US is nearly always just C2H6O and purified water. State funded radio did a long piece on this where lab grade Ethanol was watered down with water and put in a fancy bottle and it finished in the money at some 'sip-off' or other.
I understand that the Rooskies do things a little different with their paper vodka, but I have no direct knowledge.

Fun Fact:
The Rooskies used to trade vodka for Pepsi back when the Commies were in charge and their money was worthless.
This became unweildy in the 80's because it was cutting into the available local supply.
In 1989, PepsiCo acquired a number of warships from the Soviet Union in exchange for Pepsi, in a barter deal known as the "Pepsi Navy":

• 17 decommissioned submarines
• A cruiser
• A frigate
• A destroyer
• Two new Soviet oil tankers
  

The deal was made in response to the Soviet Union's military buildup, which had resulted in a number of ships that were too expensive to maintain. PepsiCo's acquisition of these ships led to an internet legend that Pepsi briefly had the sixth-largest navy in the world.

 

Great opportunity to better understand why your daughter doesn't think giving gifts to friends and co-workers is ok... Suspect she has other issues she's not communicating and her objections are more complex and need more elaboration. Of course maybe just move on if it was just her being in a temporary mood and not being too concerned about it all

 

Well it was more than a glass at a social and it was not just the office gift exchange either.

So a couple of bottles of expensive liquor every year probably was inappropriate.

As would be telling your daughter about your favorite girlfriends before meeting mom. Again inappropriate.

But it’s water under the bridge and what is done is done. The good way to clear it up is to tell your daughter “you’re right, I was stupid” especially in a work environment. Even 40 years ago our Texas company would have frowned on it.

 

At the risk of sounding creepy, you all do realize that a daughter's first love is daddy.

And that necessitates a delicate balance, which you likely threw off with your story to your daughter and hence her reaction. Most daughters cherish dad, deserving or not!

Believe it, harassment is real and women grow sick of it, it is REALLY THAT COMMON. But we do not live in a perfect world and workplace stopguards are often ineffective and no woman wants to be THAT WOMAN as more often than not complaints hurt the woman's career as much or more..

And, yes, I have seen women harass men, also.

But, I digress. You were fine. A women, working fulltime, raising a special needs child and handling a failed marriage is a strong person as mentioned earlier and would likely had let you know if you made her cringe.

But, as also mentioned, not technically appropriate, unfortunately and not something to make standard practice just because there has been so much abuse in like situations.

But, back to daughter. I think I would have had the same reaction as your daughter. Friendly advice. As this is troubling you, mention it to your wife and explain as you did here if you have not yet.

While she may or may not agree about the appropriateness of it all, I seriously doubt she will be ticked off about it.

I assume you did not mention to wife as there was no real reason as it was no big deal to you.

As you said, you have done same with male coworkers. And, it really is a kind and innocent gesture. And, yes, realize I am talking out of both sides of mouth
kris

 

steve,
did she say what was inappropriate, the whikey of giving a gift to someone of the opposite sex?
she did you financial favors and you reciprocated. i don't see the problem

 

Ekk. I have to change my views. Bisco and I agree!!!

All seriousness aside, the gifts are not really the problem. It is the new society and the "appearance."

She had no responsibility to help. But she did and it was appreciated and later acknowledged.

Would the daughter's reaction be the same if it were homebaked cookies? I suspect not. Would it make a difference to corporate?

What about cookies from her to him. Sigh. I agree with Joan Jett, "I don't care about my bad reputation."
kris

 

If this was a male co-worker nobody would bat an eye. Does she think you casually go around putting the make on all your coworkers? When women came into the world of male work, the idea was that if they could do the same work they should be able to take the job. (For the same pay). In practice it has opened up a whole big bag of problems, and someone who just wants to do their job and be a good coworker has it tough sometimes.

On the one hand, you've done nothing wrong. You treated her exactly as you would a male coworker. That's what they asked for, but somehow now that's a problem. I don't know sometimes...

 

I agree with:

'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo)
Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo)

- Taylor Swift​

Bob Wilson

 

I re-read the OP.
Seems to be a CO-worker.

No imbalance of power issues detected.
If this were two PEOPLE palling around at work there would also be no detectable issue.
If it's 'inappropriate' - why?
Is it the hooch?
The genders?
Age gap?
The 'off the books advice?'
I've served in multiple multi-gender teams, over more than one decade in the military.
On ships, for months.
In tents, for months.
I've had skippers of multiple genders and ethnicities, and I have led people in like manner.

I TRY to call balls and strikes as I see them over the plate.
I'm still in the work force, and I still, assiduously as I can being human, follow my employer's code of conduct.
I don't see a problem with the OP in a Fortune-50 environment OR a small military unit - and I face this issue EVERY MONTH or so.
Because I tend to be results oriented rather than process oriented, I've started more than one email with the caveat:
"This is not your problem, BUT...."

I have friends at work - because this is where I spend a significant portion of my life.
Sometimes I ask, and am asked to dig into a problem or to 'help a brotha or a sista out.'
If we have to consult some sort 'risk assessment chart' to determine whether something is a '1' or a '0' in an analogue world?

Fine.

I get that - but YOU ask YOU...
If the answer changes because of religion or gender, or donkey or pachyderm, or handicap, or whether or not somebody prays at YOUR church - or ANY church at all????

....HOW different are we from the 1920's?
1820's?

See you at work!

 

In your case?
Happy wife.
Happy Life.

The rest is small taters.

 

that link didn't come through.
with two daughters in their early 40's, i think i get it

 

Daughters and moms. Cats and dogs.

Oprah says mom/daughter...you can't win and honest mistakes are better than indifference....sums it up for me
kris