al-Zargawi disappointed with heaven

Confident of his worthiness and looking forward to the delights of heaven, al-Zargawi was presented with a dilemma at the pearly gates today. Instead of the expected 72 virgins, he was greeted by an old man with a flowing white beard who he correctly assumed to be God. As a devout Muslim, Zargawi demanded to be let in. God, (having been given a heads-up on the Muslim's arrival by a hastily arranged conference call from Dick and George) escorted Zargawi to a rather seedy looking district of heaven.

Zargawi: Heaven has a low rent district?
God: Are you kidding? Low rent in Heaven? People are dying to get in here. Anyway, the neighborhood's being gentrified. You can get in on the ground floor. Do you want to see the mosques?
Zargawi: F#%k the mosques. Where's the virgins?
God: I'm afraid there's a shortage of virgins.
Zargawi: You mean I won't get 72?
God: They get 72.
Zargawi: What do you mean?
God: You'll have to share. One virgin for 72 Muslim men.
Zargawi: That's ok. It will be just like Bagdad. We are talking about female virgins, right?
God: (With a sly look) Not necessarily. Our pleasures are comprehensive. We have good food (including a lot of pasta), good music, really neat outfits.
Zargawi: Yah, I noticed all the gold lame.
God: Some think it's lame. But I like it.
Zargawi: By the way, what happens if you break the rules?
God: I hope to myself you don't. Thank myself I don't get that question too often. If you do, you go to limbo, I mean hell. (I almost forgot, Ratzinger got rid of Limbo - but not Limbaugh, of course - we're saving a place for him in hell.)
Zargawi: What's hell like?
God: It's too horrible even to contemplate. All anyone ever does is sit in front of computers and flame each other in eternity. No new ideas, just the same liberals dissing neocons, neocons dissing liberals.
Zargawi: I guess heaven is better.
God: Sometimes I wonder. Don't get me wrong. I have no problem being worshipped by acolytes for millions, even billions of years. But for eternity - it gets a little old. Just think, even after a thousand billion years, you would be no closer to the end of eternity than you were on the first day. I made a mistake with eternity. Every once in a while I feel the need to get out of heaven.
Zargawi: Could we see hell?
God: Why not?
(In less time than it takes to send an instant message, they are there)
God: What's up doc?
Zargawi: Who's that?
God: We call him doc, but nobody knows if he really was one. He justs spends all day and night huddled over the computer and swearing obcenities. There's squint, in the gold lame. A hard core case. I hear he's leaving soon for some place even hotter than hell. People pretty much ignore him.
Zargawi: Why are they all in hell?
God: Believe it or not they like it - fanning the eternal flame wars as though any of it had meaning and as though any of them could have the slightest impact on anything is their idea of heaven.
Zargawi: Who that guy in the lowest place of hell?
God: Just some jerk who's always scribbling some nonsense or other. Seems harmless, though. At least, he hasn't blown anyone up yet. (Looks searchingly at Zargawi)
Zargawi: Oh. That. I guess I did get a little carried away.
God: Don't worry: it happens to the best of us.

 

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(malorn @ Jun 8 2006, 10:57 AM) [snapback]267909[/snapback]</div>

Go ahead. As they say, use what's good; forget the rest!

 

There is - its called Mammon, and has many worshippers around the world. It has holy scriptures "Wall Street Journal" and a lot of profits.

 

Who wants virgins anyway? I like the experienced ones.

 

Some may be guys for those who like that sort of thing.

 

"Ah, but if they like that sort of thing, would they be in heaven? Do muslims believe that guys on the pink team go to heaven or heck? smile.gif

See revised story. The pleasures of heaven are comprehensive, after all, and gold lame is not frowned upon.