Joke of the Day

My drunk friend after farting...


"Every little one helps my stomach's GPA"

 

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?




To get to the same side!

 

The Stuttering Cat...as explained by a 4th Grade girl
Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student ...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!," but before she could say 'F__k!', the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their
8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with
a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began
his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

 

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,
"How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,
"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said,
"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and said,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof'ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"

 

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a Sex Therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... Medicare pays $43 of it.

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse was told of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... How soon can I go home?"

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bull shitter. He's never been out of the yard'

 

For those of you trying to sell a car...
What the ad says
What it really means

Asking $16,000, make offer
Someone please give me $10,000

$11,500 firm
Someone please give me $10,000

$8,000 firm, no low-ball offers
Short of selling a kidney, I have no means of paying off the $7,500 balance on the loan

OBO
Just give me two thirds of what I'm asking, please God

Ran when I parked it, needs carb work
The 10-year-old gasoline in there has turned to mica

Needs battery
I don't have $100 for a new battery, and even if I did, putting in a new battery would only reveal that it won't start

Turns over, good compression
At least the damn thing hasn't seized and I'm gambling you won't show up with a compression gauge

Must go this weekend
I'm six months late on the rent and the eviction proceedings are starting to get serious

No low ballers
The payoff on the loan is way more than it's worth so I have to get an inflated price

Wife says it has to go
I haven't driven it in five years, but I'm the kind of person who feels better blaming someone else

No time to ride
I drive my new car every day because it has air conditioning and I'm lazy
Aftermarket exhaust, sounds great
Obnoxiously loud, guaranteed to tick off your neighbors

Custom paint
Been crashed

Fresh paint
Been crashed

Lots of new parts
Been crashed

Cosmetic flaws typical for its age
Been crashed

Salvage title
Been crashed really bad
Barn fresh
Mice ate holes in the air filter and headliner

Barn find
Damn, I forgot this junk was still out here

Collectible
I know, because it's been collecting dust in my garage for 15 years while I've been hoping it would go up in value

Mechanic's special
Too many problems to list

Needs a little TLC
You probably won't make it home from the sale without breaking down

Sold "as is"
If you make it out of my driveway on this thing, I don't ever want to see you or hear from you again for any reason

 

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!


Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. It takes a hundred points for sex. Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)



PROTECTIVE DUTIES

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)

It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)

Tina has breast implants. (-40)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner. (+2)

You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie. (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

You give any other response. (-20)





COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+100)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-1000)

 

Italian Bank Robbery ...

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.


"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says,

"I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

 

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

Obviously, the ABOVE ( ↑ ) joke is meant to be read on April, 15th (wink,wink)!

 

Mahatma Gandi never wore shoes so the soles of his feet were very tough. He also had an unusual diet (mostly grasshoppers) which made him thin and gave him terrible breath....

This of course made him a Super Calloused Fragile Mystic, Hexed By Halitosis...

 

...touche'

 

It wasn't my first guess but . . .



Apparently the answer is "Luck be in the air tonight." I must have a dirty mind.

 

Don’t mess with the newest member of the CIA.