Joke of the Day

^^^
GOTM winner (Groaner of the month).

 

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

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THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
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^^^
Amen to those.

 

Cowboy Chili . . .

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

 

She: "My new physician is great! He told me, what a beautiful skin I have as a 50 year old! And how sensational my 50-year-old breasts are! And how good my 50-year-old legs are looking!"
Her husband interrupts her: "And what did he say about your 50-year-old nice person?"
She: "Well - no, we did not talk about you at all."

 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door
by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone.
I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront
the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was
late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried
out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house
with both house and car keys inside and had to break
a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three blocks from the store,
I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and
started waiting on these people, all the time the darn
phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and
they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up
the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came
up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and
broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

And believe me, mister, as God is my witness,
all I did was tell her."

 

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices little Johnny next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

Johnny is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says little Johnny. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

Little Johnny says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade."

 

How it really happened...

 

Brace yourself, winter is coming.

 

You gonna pass the bong or what?

Sorry Hilary and Bill, couldn't resist.

 

I love the onion.

 

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.