Joke of the Day

Proof Men Have Better Friends..

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

So the God Particle goes up to a Catholic Priest and says "I am here to give you mass."

 

A lawyer and a priest tee off on the first hole of their game. The lawyer screws up his swing and exclaims "Damn! Missed!" The priest warns him, "You should not say such things under the eyes of the almighty." The lawyer shrugs this off as they continue. On the next hole the lawyer makes another terrible shot, "Damn! Missed!" he exclaims once again. Once again the Priest warns him, "You risk invoking the wrath of God if you continue your blasphemy sir." They arrive at the third hole and once more, "DAMN! MISSED AGAIN!" Suddenly the sky darkened with clouds, the temperature dropped to a chill, and before either golfer could comment on it, a lightning bolt from the heavens blazed down and fried the priest to a crisp. The lawyer then heard a deep, loud voice from beyond the horizon, "DAMN, MISSED."

 

The other night I saw a friend and had scratches all over face, torn clothes and a black eye. I asked him what happened.
He said, "I got into a fight over a woman's honour. As you can see she kept it."

Physics News :: Electrons Are Near-Perfect Spheres
An electron and a proton walk into a bar.
The proton says to the electron, "you're round."
The electron asks, "are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

 

My wife heard this joke John Diefenbaker, Canadian prime minister in the 1950s, made in a concession speech on losing the next election. I'm sure I don't have the wording right, but I think I have the idea:

"Our party is like Harry Truman. You know, Give 'em Hell, Harry.
We gave the voters our platform, and, yes, they thought it was Hell."

 

How to get blacklisted from Walmart

*My wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:

Dear Mrs Hunt
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Hunt, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 18: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 25: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. November 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH** **NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!**'
*

*15. December 3: Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least: 16. December 15: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

 

Two guys are in a car junkyard, looking for a part for a restoration project. They find the model they need, and as they walk around it, in all the high grass, see a big hole in front of the car. Out of curiosity, one throws a rock in the hole, but doesn't hear it hit bottom. "Dang, that's a deep hole," he thinks, and throws a bigger rock in. Still no sound of it hitting bottom. He points it out to his pal; his friend says, Help me with this", and grabs one end of an old transmission lying on the ground. They each grab an end, and heave it into the large hole, and wait to hear it hit bottom. Nothing. After a few seconds, they hear something behind them, and when they look, there is a large, white billy goat bearing down on them, head down, horns pointing up. One guy is between the goat and the hole, and, not wanting to get knocked in the hole, steps aside as the goat flies by and disappears into the hole.

As the two guys stand there, pondering the close call, the junkyard owner walks up, and asks them if they found what they need. he also asks, "By the way, you ain't seen my ol' billygoat around here have you? The one guy says, "Yeah, I guess it was him, He came runnin' straight at us, and I had to jump out of his way. he went down that hole there."

Junkyard owner said, "Nah, that couldn't a' been him; I had mine tied to an old truck transmission."

 

A guy goes up to a bartender and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reached below the bar and puts an apple on the counter.

The guy looks at it suspiciously and says, "Where's my drink?"

The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite."

Incredibly the first bite tastes like gin. The bartender says, "Turn it around." The guy can't believe it, the other side tastes like tonic. He eats the apple.

A bit later the guy goes back to the bartender, "Gimme a Vodka and orange juice."

The bartender again reached under the bar and puts another apple on the counter and says, "Go ahead, take a bite" The guy can't believe it, it tasted of orange. The bartender says, "turn it around!" The apple tasted of Vodka, so the man eats the apple.

Just about then, a beautiful woman walks in and passes the two men, and the guy at the bar says, "You know, I could sure go for giving a girl oral tonight!"

The bartender nods his head and produces another apple. The man stares at the apple and says, "No way man!"

The bartender tells him, "Go ahead and take a bite."

After the first bite the man angrily spits out the apple and says, "Yuck, That apple tastes like crap!"

The bartender looks at the man and calmly says, "Turn it around!"

 

^^^ Ain't it the truth Bra...

 

I just love it when wimmin win ---

An old woman prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule and headed straight for the only saloon to clear her parched throat. She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toes blown off - started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands. "Son," she said quietly, "have you ever licked a mule's butt?"

 

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled:

"Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius

with 13 bumper stickers which will read:

1 "I'm a Democrat"
2 "Amnesty for Illegals"
3 "I love the Dixie Chicks"
4 "Boycott Beef"
5 "I Voted for Obama"
6 "George Strait Sucks"
7 "Re-elect Obama in 2012"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O’Donnell is Texas born"
10. "I love Obama care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank is my hero"
12. "I side with Jane Fonda"

and the last sticker is…

13. "I'm here to confiscate your guns"

The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.