Joke of the Day

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.' He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

 

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans
and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they
can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a
real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting
him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband
home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

 

A COWBOY NAMED BUD
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward
him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his DellR notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZ V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoshopR and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on
his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"


"You're a Congressman," says Bud!

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."

 

According to a news report, a certain private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses)To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
.
.
.
.
.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ound:

 

It has been determined that the most
Used sexual position for married couples

Is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.

 

The 4 animals a woman can't live without:
1, jaguar in the garage
2, mink in the closet
3, tiger in the bed
4, jackass to pay for it all


A biker goes to a drug store to buy condoms.
He grabs a box and slams them on the counter. The girl says "that'll be 3.25+tax".
He says "I don't need any tacks, I'm gonna staple them on".

:focus:

 

For those of you who have ABS...

 

An Irishman left work early one day, popped into the Pub for a quick one, and wandered on home. Wondering what might be for dinner, he started looking for Mary, his wife. She wasn't in the kitchen, where of course she belonged. She wasn't in the parlor, watching the telly. She wasn't in the bedroom. Finally he found her, in the bathroom, stark naked. Not just naked, but striking poses, turning, and striking some more!

"Mary! Wot the HELL are you doin'?" he demanded.

"Well," she replied, "If you must know, I've just come from the Doctor's. HE siad I've the body of a woman half me age, and I'm just having a look."

Mick took a turn around her, looking her up and down. Finally he asked sarcastically, "What did he say about yer big Irish nice person, then?"

"Your name never came up . . ."

 

A woman had been dragging her husband through stores and malls for hours, even though his enthusiasm for shopping had waned after about 15 minutes. She made one last round of purchases, turned to him to carry them out to the car, and discovered that he had vanished!

Furious that his whining about shopping, missing the game on TV, etc., had finally led to outright desertion, she called his cell phone.

"Where ARE you?" she demanded.

"Well, Honey, you know that Jewelry Store where we saw the diamond necklace?"

Suddenly intrigued, she said "Ye-e-s . . ."

"The one that looked so great nestled above your lovely bosom?"

"Ye-e-s . . ."

The one I said someday I would love to buy for you, the love of my life?"

"Yes, yes, YES!"

"I'm having a beer in the bar next to that Store . . . ."

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

 

Husband buys a dozen of same color underwear for his wife.

Wife: why did you buy the same color? People will think that I never change my underwear!
Husband: which people?

TOTAL SILENCE.

 

Wayne is walking home alone late one foggy night when he hears a strange sound coming from behind him.

BUMP . . . . . . . . . . BUMP . . . . . . . . . . BUMP . . . . . . . . . .
He starts to walk faster, then he looks behind and through the fog he sees an upright coffin bouncing its way down the middle of the road toward him.

BUMP . . . . . BUMP . . . . . BUMP . . . . . Frightened, he starts to run toward his house, but the coffin continues to bounce after him.

Wayne runs faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP . . . . BUMP . . . . BUMP . . . . He runs even faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP . . . BUMP . . . BUMP . . .

When Wayne reaches his house, he runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him.

But suddenly, the coffin CRASHES through his front door and begins to bounce towards him, with the coffin lid banging up and down all by itself.

Bump Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP.

Even more terrified now, Wayne rushes upstairs to the bathroom as fast as he can and locks himself in.

His heart is pounding and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

But with a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks down the bathroom door. now it’s bouncing and banging toward him again.

Bump Clappity - BUMP Clappity - BUMP Clappity – BUMP.

Wayne screams and reaches for something! Anything! but all he can find is a bottle of cough medicine, desperate, he throws the cough medicine . . .

AND GUESS WHAT?... the coffin stops.

 

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


All this PUNishment is killing me!

 

Joke/Video of the day?
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSk_CG3-Zak&feature=related]ukryta kamera - do pe[/ame]

 

Four guys have been going to the same camping trip for years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get up to the camping site and find Frank sitting there with a tent already set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"DAM, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, Last night after you guys left, I was sitting in my Chair...pouting.......and my wife came up behind me......put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’
She was wearing a brand new see through nightie took my hand and led me to the bedroom. There were candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed, she had some handcuffs! She told me to tie her up to the bed. Then she said, ‘

"Go Ahead.........Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!


........

 

Wife treats hubby to a night at the strip club for his birthday:

At the club:
Doorman, "Hey Jim! How are you?"
Wife, "How does he know you?"
Jim, "We play golf."

Bartender, "The usual again Jim?"
Jim, "He's on the darts team."

Dancer, "The special again Jim?"

The wife storms out, dragging Jim behind her, and jumps into a cab...

Cabbie, "Hey Jimmy!...boy...you picked an ugly one this time...same hotel Boss?"

 

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.