Joke of the Day

The Grim Reaper comes for a guy who beats him off
with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

One day there was a priest sitting on a bench with a look very worried and nervous, and another priest saw him and asked what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught partner and asked what was wrong. "Well," said the chief priest, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said another priest.

"Well," said the first priest, "that's when you slip and say something you usually think when it's the wrong time."

"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when he says" now pronounce you man and wife? "Asked the first priest.

"Yes?" said the second priest. "Well, that's what I meant, and what he actually said was:" I now sentence you to death. "

 

What does Apple Corps Ltd, and the Obama Administration have in common????




No Jobs.

 

Shamlessly copied from the Miata.net:

 

OK, one more... (I know, it's not P.C.)


A Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket.

The store clerk says, " What does your mother look like ? "

The kid says " How the **** should I know !! ?

 

For something a little more family-appropriate...Our pastor told this story recently:

His wife had a dream where she received a beautiful diamond necklace. She asked him "what do you think that means?". He just kind of brushed it off.

A couple weeks later, on the day before their 20th anniversary, she said she had had the same dream of wearing this beautiful new diamond necklace. Again, she asked him what that meant. This time he simply said "Tomorrow, you'll find out what it means."

So the next day, on their big anniversary, she excitedly opens her present from him. It was a nice, big, book...."How to interpret dreams."

 

Stolen from a FB friend:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted

 

They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?"
I replied:
-"12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployable people,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico; and
535 idiots in the U.S. House and Senate."
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
__________________

 

An armed robber holds up a bank. On his way out with the take, he points his gun at a customer and asks, "did you see me rob this bank?"

"Yes, Sir, I sure did!"

Bang! He shoots him dead. Then he turns to a couple and asks, "did you folks see me rob this bank?"

"No, Sir, I sure as hell did not!" said the husband. "But my wife did!"

 

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five – double-spaced and written in a large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit re-selling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected].

The reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

 

Cannon Balls

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls next to the Cannons on old war ships. To prevent them from rolling about the deck the best storage method was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.To prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling the solution was a metal plate with16 round indentations, called a Monkey.

But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.Few landlubbers realize that brass shrinks much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was then, quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

 

Mmmm... infidelity

A man and a woman are asleep like twoinnocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise comes from outside. The woman, waking confused and bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man “Holy crap. That must be my husband!â€

The guy quickly leaps out of the bed and scared and naked he jumps out the window like a crazy man. He smashes himself on the ground, runs through thorn bushes and limps as fast as he can to his car.

A few minutes later he returns and goes up to the bedroom and screams at the woman,
“I AM your husband!â€
The woman yells back, “Yeah, then why were YOU running?â€

(Sorry if this is arepeat)

 

Hung Chow calls into work and says :- 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says :- 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. I do what You say and I feel Great..

I be at work soon..........

You got nice house'