Joke of the Day

the following dun letter out to customers who are past due.





The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills!!!

 

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe closet and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams.'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

 

GETTING OLD
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake..'

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

SUPERSEX
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!' An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?' Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.'

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playcards.
One day, they were playing cards when one Looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her.. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to Know?'

SENIOR DRIVIN G
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

DRIVIN G
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'

 

Afgan QB

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions... The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph..
BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl..The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit in Arizona!

 

This one's a bit political and sarcastic.

Drinking with an Arizona Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (because he's a Muslim), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass,setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,
she says, 'In Arizona, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

 

PROSTATE EXAM
​

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution.When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy obeys and says, '99.’

The doctor says, 'Great.Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, '99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor says, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I 'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99.'

The guy begins:…One
………….......................Two
....................................................Three

 

Too old

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his manhood. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his thing, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move it around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'

The other little old lady asked, ~What do you mean by that?'

The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. 'Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'

​

 

The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question...will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow


b) Thrush,


c) Magpie,


d) Cuckoo?"


"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......
It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!

Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night,
Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy?
How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,

'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

 

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy ​

Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want ​

you to immediately sell all my stuff.."​

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.​

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some ars hole ​

using my stuff..."​

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another ars hole?"​