Joke of the Day

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road shaking hands, when the truck hit us."
__________________

 

You need to get out more!

 

CATHOLIC HORSES


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with Interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all is savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag..

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

 

After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father.

So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed! "So that's the ugly bit#h he's runnin' around with!"

 

Joke



MISSING NOVA SCOTIAN WIFE

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her." Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

 

Divine Healing

An elderly couple was watching TV when a TV evangelist came on air to pray for the sick.

The evangelist said.. "For those of you who are sick, I want to pray with you so that you can be cured of your sickness. Place your right hand on the part of your body that is suffering from disorder, and raise your left hand."

The husband placed his right hand on his privates, raised his left hand, and closed his eyes.

His wife saw what he did, and slowly whispered, "Honey, this prayer is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"


Note: This is a repost. Hope it now belongs to where it should belong.

 

Re: Divine Healing

Thanks, Benggolf. :thumb: Looks like you're going to be a great addition to the jokes thread. (One reason for keeping jokes here is it makes them easier to find later. )

 

PILOT VERSUS PRIEST

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?â€

The guy replies, “I’m Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas.†Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.â€
The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Pasadena for the last 43 years.â€

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.â€

“Just a minute,†says the good father, “that man was a pilot and he g ets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?â€

“Up here - - we go by results,†says Saint Peter, “when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed.â€

 

:roll::rofl:

 

2 Old Farts

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

after a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

these two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference..'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'

'well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window...took my teeth with her!'


never too old to enjoy humour and a good laugh!

 

I don't get it...

 

Ya know, if it has to be explained, it won't be as funny...

Apparently, time in that town is now divided into pre/post Epstein Fart...

 

I thought it was a play on words, a play on a "famous" saying.

 

Priest & the Drunk

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a bench next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Excuse me Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

 

2 Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died


Lesson Learned


The next time Charles gets married...
Someone please warn the Pope.