Joke of the Day

What's the difference between a Good Ol' Boy and a Redneck?

The Good Ol' Boy raises livestock, the Redneck gets emotionally involved

 

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it
happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along
a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob
could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids
out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The
car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks
over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her
head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows
he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light,
which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and
knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill , and this is my wife Betty .
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously
hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My
master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have
misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it
is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor , bring them down to the
laboratory"

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on
an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor 's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor . Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor 's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is
here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a
stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty 's hand twitch, keeping
time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob 's arm
begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and
Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:


"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

 

The Pastor's nice person

The Pastor entered his donkey it in a race and it won. He was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S nice person OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline
read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S nice person.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST nice person IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted and he informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS nice person FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER nice person IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else' nice person and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Old but still funny:

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'



The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

 

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
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"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

PICKUP LINE ​

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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?' ​

 

Subject: INSULTED WIFE

[FONT=Arial]Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, 'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.'

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.'

'All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook.' He continued, 'Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.'

'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her. [/FONT]






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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied,
' Vietnam'.

 

Sorry but the intent of JOKE OF THE DAY is to insult someone here everyday and in that regard I succeeded in insulting you wv guy.

We have the same kind here called Beverly Hillbillies.

You're turn to insult someone else.