Joke of the Day

You're right. It's discrimination because it doesn't include African American, Irish, Japanese, or Polish reference.

 

This one's political and not everyone will think its funny but I'm just passing it on:

My New Truck:

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche

And returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'nice person Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,

Which one, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, or Sarah Palin?

Damn I love this truck...

 

LOL: That would be especially true in a Porsche, Ferrari or Lamborghini

 

" Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“I want you to make love to me right this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

Seven kinds of sex

Results of recent research has determined that there are 7 kinds of
sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex:
This happens when you first meet someone and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex:
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen..

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex:
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has become routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex:
This is when you have been with your partner for a very long time and when you pass each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex:
Which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex:
This is when you cannot take each other any more. So, she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex:
You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

Job Application:

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver and saw an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they are ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

"Good Grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir…that's where the end of the line is right now."

 

The Blond Cowboy



A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

And so here I am."

 

[FONT=&quot]This one's bad.......
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot] 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her: 'You want......Garlic Chicken wif snow peas???[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[COLOR=black][FONT=Marque][SIZE=4]A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'


'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

 

[FONT=arial,helvetica]The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time- wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole our tent.'[/FONT]

 

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.

As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.

He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was
sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man.

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,
the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got
married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk and asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot donkey ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!