The jokes thread

"According to a new survey, women say they feel
more comfortable undressing in front of men
than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where,
of course, men are just grateful."

 

Frank the Hen

Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Frank , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ....'

Frank was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . ..... You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen..

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Frank, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Frank ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'..

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...


' Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard.
You've shit the bed !!'

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------- -----------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------- ----------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------- ----------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

You can have one too...

A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:


National Defense
Headquarters
Maj.Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,ONT.
K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen;

Thank you for your recent letter expressing
your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You
will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself,
we are creating a new department here at the Department of National
Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
Transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in
Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud
(you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert
at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of
property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has
been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his
culture and religious beliefs" as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for
our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember. We'll be
watching.

Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially, Gordon O'Connor

 

Chuckle

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (TRUE STORY).

Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military
jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.

The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:....
"Defrost the chicken."

 

A Few Good Senior Moments

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

An elderly gentleman.....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

Kids Speak...

There is nothing quite like the innocence of a child to give a person a pick me
up. I thought you may enjoy the following: A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them
to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because
the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs..
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have
to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant

 

Statues

Here is a variation of a joke I have heard.

An angel flew over a park and two statues facing each other longingly. Having pity on the statues, the angel brings them to life. The angel tells them they are now alive but only for thirty minutes. The angel tells them they can do any thing they want. They duck quickly into the bushes. There is rustling of leaves for 15 minutes then they come out. The angel tells them they have 15 minutes left. One statue looks at the other and says 'this time you hold the pigeon and I'll torture it'.

 

21st Century

Welcome to the 21st Century ! How it will be ...

Our communication - Wireless

Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless

Our sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our mistakes - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth - Jobless

Our ladies - Topless

Our jobs - Thankless

Our needs - Endless

Our situation - Hopeless

Our salaries - Less and less...

 

Re: You can have one too...

When do I laugh?

 

Re: 21st Century

Isn't this a jokes thread or did I miss something?

 

Kiwi Rugby Fan

From my Aussie Friend. Hope this hits the funny chords.


Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

 

Who Needs A Shrink?

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

GET RID OF THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER...

 

Yeah OK, the Kiwi one was good, I liked it.

 

It would have been better with some sheep.

Tom

 

Food for Thought

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford: -The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks such as coke corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cakeâ€.

 

Question to Confucius


Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.
But when a man sleeps with 10 women,
Everyone calls him a real man.
How come . . . ?!?

Confucius replies:
It's very simple.
'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY . .