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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Fred's House of Pancakes' started by SPEEDEAMON, Nov 23, 2008.

  1. Benggolf

    Benggolf Member

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    Re: Joke of the Day - Best Blonde Joke Yet


    Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
    Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.


    In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

    Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

    The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.


    The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.


    After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
    She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.


    I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

    The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.


    Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

    After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

    The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
    'comfortable?'

    The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


    She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

     
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  2. Benggolf

    Benggolf Member

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    An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
    Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
    The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
     
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  3. Benggolf

    Benggolf Member

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    Let the jokes begin...


    What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They're both in danger of being clubbed by Norwegians!
    I don't think this is correct. Isn't she a Swedish?

    Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between the iron or the wood.

    His wife Elin told police that she went for a rescue wood, but it looks
    like she really went for the driver.

    Did you hear that he inspired a new Kung Fu movie to be
    released?"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant."

    Did you make it out of your own driveway safely this morning? Then you can say that you outdrove Tiger Woods.

    Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She's teaching Phil
    Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

    Did you hear about Tiger's last outing? He drove into a tree, then ended up with a bad lie.

    What kind of club did Elin swing at Tiger? Looks like it was abitching
    wedge.

    What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 350 yards.

    What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
    They went clubbing.
     
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  4. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Old but still funny:

    Stella Awards

    It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stella's for the past year:

    SEVENTH PLACE

    Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

    SIXTH PLACE

    Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

    FIFTH PLACE

    Goes to Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house, because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days, and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company, claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

    FOURTH PLACE

    Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for, because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite, because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

    THIRD PLACE

    Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania wins, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

    SECOND PLACE

    Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 plus dental expenses. Go figure.

    FIRST PLACE

    This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded he $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
     
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  5. Benggolf

    Benggolf Member

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    Incredible. :p Only in America....
    Don't you wonder who is more crazy...the selected few or the judicial system? :D
     
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  6. GrGramps

    GrGramps Active Member

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    There is a shortage of physicians - not lawyers. Send your kid to medical school, please!
     
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  7. patsparks

    patsparks An Aussie perspective

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    Hate to put a damper on this award but she wasn't driving, she was in the passenger seat, the car was stationary and the coffee was much hotter than other coffee outlets would sell coffee at to cover that the coffee was cheap and to reduce the number of refills in a bottomless coffee. McDonald's had several complaints about the temperature of their coffee before this incident and the woman who was burnt was hospitalised for 6 days I think it was, with third degree burns.
    I thought the law suit was stupid when I first heard of it but after reading the truth and the finding of the court I think it was a justified claim.

    Could this be the case with these others? I think it might.
     
  8. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Please guys. Sorry to put a damper on this whole thing but the thread is Joke of the Day. Not unlike the Darwin Awards, many of the Stella Awards are just made up
     
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  9. rovineye

    rovineye New Member

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    No, all of those awards were made up. And anyone who sees the photos of the coffee burns would realize that wasn't an outlandish suit.

    But...on with the jokes...

    With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve. The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly. "Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!? " Santa yells. The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff. "
     
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  10. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

    The stewardess looks at him and says,

    "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
     
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  11. tleonhar

    tleonhar Senior Member

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    THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

    She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

    To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

     
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  12. GrGramps

    GrGramps Active Member

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    Honda....Honda

    This lady (mighty large lady I must say) had trouble with gas and every time she passed gas it made a sound that everyone heard as "Honda"..... "Honda....." So after a week of her flatulence making a noise that sounded like a troll saying.. "Honda" she went to her local ER.

    After she told the doctor of her gas passing with the sound of Honda he says to her, "I know exactly what the problem is" and proceeds to tell her she must have a rather large boil down in there.... somewhere.

    He goes to looking, finds the problems and after some minor surgery and some rather bad odors, drains about 30 (50 if you count spillage) milliliters of pus. Amazed she asks the doctor how he could have possibly known that was the problem.

    He replies: (have you guessed it yet?...) Scroll Down....






    He tells her, "Haven't you heard? Abscess Makes the Fart go Honda."
     
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  13. jdcollins5

    jdcollins5 Senior Member

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    Tiger Woods Holiday Poem



    Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

    Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

    She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

    Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

    He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

    Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

    He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

    With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

    From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

    Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

    With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

    When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

    Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

    Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

    And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

    "If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

    She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

    Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
     
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  14. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    "Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

    Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for help with my hearing."

    The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.


    After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

    Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
     
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  15. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    An old man goes to the drug store to buy some Viagra. He hands the pharmacist the prescription and says "I'd like them cut into quarters, please"
    The pharmacist answers " I can cut them for you but you won't get a full erection from just a quarter pill"
    The old man says " I'm 96 years old and all I want is to stick it out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers."
     
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  16. Rae Vynn

    Rae Vynn Artist In Residence

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    True story:

    Yesterday, we were driving, and were passed by a Hummer (H2) that also had a "Hybrid" sticker on it. I'd not heard of a Hummer Hybrid, and said so to my DH.

    His response: "Not only will it burn gasoline, but now, you can actually feed it dollar bills directly!"
     
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  17. Benggolf

    Benggolf Member

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    A Bottle of Merlot


    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot
    to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little
    restaurant.
    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
    'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and
    indicated the sender with a nod of his head
    .

    She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at
    the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who
    was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
    the gentleman
    .

    The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to
    have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7'
    inches in your pants'.

    After reading the note, the man decided to
    compose one of his own in return.

    He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
    instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read: Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I
    have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a
    Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and
    Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana
    .

    There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
    portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.

    Just send the wine back....
    Tiger


    PS. Now you know why Tiger got his nickname. :D
     
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  18. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    Cleanup on Aisle 25

    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

    'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies..

    'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

    On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
     
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  19. jdcollins5

    jdcollins5 Senior Member

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    A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

    Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

    With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

    After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
    blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of
    the hole (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly..' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

    Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

    When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

    The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

    The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

    The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
    picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme,
    sweetheart.'

    The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
     
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  20. SPEEDEAMON

    SPEEDEAMON Professional Car Nut

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    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scottia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We are sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted. The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

    The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband.

    Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

    Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

    The Mountie said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow, eh."
     
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